Twilight Saga: Eclipse Review – Boring Ménage à Trois

I can give you more than him. He probably can’t even kiss you without hurting you.
– Werewolf to Bella Swan

I know she’s in love with you but she’s in love with me too. She just doesn’t admit it.
– Werewolf to the Vampire

Say, do women in the 15-35 age group secretly fantasize about a relationship (sexual or otherwise) with two men at the same time?

Is that what really gets them off. Pray, help us with this one, will ya. We’d really love to know. 😉

Except for stray, decrepit fogies like us, 85-90% of the audience in our hall for the midnight show of the new movie Twilight Saga: Eclipse was comprised of women in the 15-35 age group.

And, boy, they all seemed to be having a jolly good time. Wonder how many of them actually came in the movie hall itself given their frequent, loud approvals over the happenings on the screen.

Less Trashy than New Moon

Not withstanding the squealing ejaculations of the teens and women in our hall, the best we can say about Eclipse is that it’s not as horrible as New Moon, the previous installment in the Twilight series.

But boring and stupid as hell, nevertheless.

The 120-minute Eclipse is a familiar reprise of the characters, settings and the broad story outline encountered in previous versions.

You have the girl Bella Swan (the unendurable Kristen Stewart), the vampire Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) and the frequently shirtless, tattooed werewolf Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner).

And of course, the love of the two ‘men’ for the girl.

Not-So-Subliminal Trick

Wait, what about the girl in this movie here.

What does she feel about it all.

That’s where Eclipse’s makers play a not-so-subliminal trick here in their bid to woo the aah-ooh, squealing 15-35 teens, young women and the not-so-young women.

* The movie-makers show Bella going around with the other guy even as she professes love for one

* They show her wearing gifts from the other guy in front of the one she loves

* They show her embracing the shirtless other guy in front of the one she loves.

* They show her being provided body-heat to ward off the bitter cold and shivers by the bare-chested other guy in front of the one she loves.

* They show her kissing the other guy in front of the guy she supposedly loves.

* They finally tell us that she actually loves both guys, just that she loves one more than the other.

Holy cow, what in the world are Eclipse’s makers trying to convey here?

That it’s Cool to have a threesome? Cool to be a c*ck-tease? Cool to be indecisive? Cool to love two guys simultaneously?

Unlikely as it sounds, it’s more than likely all of the above. Aren’t these (well, at least some of them for sure) the things women dig? 😉

Art imitating life, eh.

Irritating as hell as it may be, it’s working.

Look at the number of late-night shows for Eclipse. In a theater not far from where we live, there were eight shows between midnight and 2:31 AM. Yes, that’s AM.

So, What’s New?

To stave off criticism about rehashing the earlier films, Eclipse introduces the villainous Newborns, i.e. newly formed vampires superior to the Cullen vampires in strength and nefarious in their design, setting the stage for the inevitable, violent clash between the two.

How do the Vampires take on the superior Newborns then?

By forging a bizarre, unlikeliest alliance with their Werewolf enemies. Ha ha ha!

Wait, there’s more nonsense like Vampire-to-Wolf telepathy. Don’t laugh. It’s true.

Folks, if you plan on watching this crap be mindful that such is the drivel Twilight Saga: Eclipse is made of.

Except for a rare laugh or two, we found little entertainment in this latest Twilight movie.

Just endless ennui.

Not Worth Watching

Kristen Stewart is as bad as ever.

While some SI readers have drooled over the babe, we kinda found her unappetizing fare.

The shirtless one and the bloodsucker were tolerable in comparison.

Hey, one of our favorites, the Up in the Air gal Anna Kendrick has a small but memorable role here.

But overall, Eclipse is just the kind of movie we desperately, fervently wish would be eclipsed by better movies at the box office so that we need fear no sequel.

Alas, that ain’t gonna happen if the crowds we witnessed tonight are any portent.

Related Content:
The Twilight Saga: New Moon Review – Stupid Shit

5 Responses to "Twilight Saga: Eclipse Review – Boring Ménage à Trois"

  1. முனிAndy   June 30, 2010 at 10:50 am

    you went there to ogle at little girls.. what were 35 year old women doing in the theater.. shirtless one takes them closest to kiddie porn, i guess.. Taylor was born in 1992, for crissake.. shameless women! 😉

    SearchIndia.com Responds:

    Alas, we’re past the ogling stage of our life.

    The first time Taylor appeared on the screen the hussies let out a loud sigh.

    Go figure.

  2. ravihyd84   June 30, 2010 at 11:10 am

    IMDB Ratings:
    Twilight – 5.8/10
    New Moon – 4.6/10
    Eclipse – 3.2/10 (currently)

    Cant imagine ratings of breaking dawn part I & II 🙂

    SearchIndia.com Responds:

    No matter. Eclipse will break records.

  3. abhi220   June 30, 2010 at 11:42 am

    I am convinced that you guys are rich.
    Most likely none of the SI readers would be interested in this horror show and why bother to review.
    Seen the first in the sequel. I am a huge fan of horror movies and it turned out to be HORROR indeed.
    You say warewolf and vampire were tolerable. How on earth are they tolerable.

    Have you got any plans on watching The Last Airbinder. Saw the trailer and could make out, its going to be another freak show. More so with pathetic Dev Patel.

    SearchIndia.com Responds:

    Update

    SearchIndia.com Responds:

    You write above: Have you got any plans on watching The Last Airbinder.

    Movie Critics Bugger Manoj ‘Night’ Shyamalan’s Last Airbender
    **************
    Will respond later.

    Watching I Hate Luv Storys (Hindi) featuring Sonam Kapoor and Imran Khan.

    Intermission now.

  4. முனிAndy   July 1, 2010 at 8:37 am

    “Kristin Stewart, an actress who shows amazing range and ability when not playing Bella, continues to do her best imitation of a cardboard cutout here.”
    says James “who” Berardinelli. I found her to be much better in Adventureland.. but it was mainly Jesse Eisenberg’s movie.

    I haven’t watched http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/cake_eaters/ it is on instant play.. but critics seem to think that’s Kristen’s best.

    SearchIndia.com Responds:

    We don’t think we’ve seen any of Kristen’s other films but she’s plain awful in the two Twilight films we’ve watched.

    Wait. We’ve seen her in Panic Room but she had a small role in the film and the focus was all on Jodie Foster and to some extent on Forest Whitaker.

    Cake Eaters looks interesting.

  5. MAK   July 9, 2010 at 2:27 am

    Hey guys, Check out this piece.

    http://itthing.com/twilight-almost-cost-me-my-wife-and-my-life

    SearchIndia.com Responds:

    Just read the above piece.

    As synthetic and boring as the movie that inspired it.

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