Most Indian restaurants in New Jersey are bad.
But some like Volga in the Parkway Plaza on Oak Tree Road in Iselin (NJ) are hopelessly, disgustingly, obscenely bad.
So horribly bad that to even think of the dump gives us the heebie-jeebies.
Volga Iselin (NJ) – Serves Pathetic Indian Food
As we walked into Volga Iselin on a recent afternoon, the restaurant was near empty with just three diners.
We were asked by the short lady at the counter wearing a sullen expression whether we wanted take-out or dine-in. When we responded dine-in and take-out, a tall old man wearing a beret slunk out from the kitchen and told us to sit wherever we pleased.
After we were seated, the old fella brought forth a plastic water jug, plastic glasses and plastic plates and deposited them on our table.
A quick glance at the dirty, soiled menu lying on the counter revealed that Volga offers South Indian, North Indian and Indian-Chinese fare. Aha, the Microsoft of Indian restaurants. All ye technologically savvy folks know where we’re heading, eh?
To get a good feel of the place, we ordered a combination of Indian-Chinese, North Indian and South Indian fare.
Horrid Chilli Garlic Noodles
Our order of Chilli Garlic Noodles ($8.99) came to the table in about eight minutes in a white plastic bowl.
One fork of it and we almost puked. In decades of eating Chilli Garlic Noodles, we’ve never encountered such a pathetic piece of shit. You see, the Chilli Garlic Noodles was dryish, had zero garlic flavor and, worse of all, offensively tasteless. We had a hard time shoveling this crap into our mouth.
With a sigh of resignation, we placed our fork down and waited for the Gobi Paratha to show up. Since we abhor wasting food, we packed up the Chilli Garlic Noodles with plans to add Maggi Sauce and eat it later.
Chilli Garlic Noodles – An Abomination
Nuked Gobi Paratha
Gobi Paratha ($5.99) came so hot to the table that we could not take a bite for several minutes.
We cursed Volga Iselin’s kitchen staff for it seemed as if the Gobi Parata had emerged from a nuclear reactor.
Gobi Parata – Not for Humans or Dogs
Gobi Paratha tasted yuck with the flavor of raw Gobi and stale Masala powder leaving an unwelcome taste in the mouth.
For Volga Iselin to serve such disgustingly bad Gobi Paratha bespeaks an egregious display of wanton contempt toward paying diners.
Gobi Paratha came with butter, sliced onions, mixed vegetable pickle and raita. While raita was alright with cucumber and onion pieces, we did not relish the mixed vegetable pickle due to its strong vinegar flavor.
Heaping vile imprecations on Volga’s kitchen staff, we picked up our take-out order of Hyderabadi Biryani and Vegetable Samosas with nary an inkling of the further agonies ahead of us.
Soft, Tasteless Samosa @ Volga Iselin
Since we were feeling hungry after our horrible encounter with Volga’s Chilli Garlic Noodles and Gobi Paratha, we opened the Vegetable Samosas bag hoping to have a quick bite while driving back.
Alas, we dove into another pothole. Vegetable Samosa was very soft and the potato stuffing inside had no salt, spices and even a semblance of taste. The potato filling was just mashed potatoes and green peas with some jeera seeds flung into it.
How the hell can an Indian restaurant mess up a Samosa? You bet, we wanna know.
A human certainly did not prepare that wretched Samosa. Must be the Shaitan’s handiwork!
Disgustingly Bad Hyderabadi Chicken Biryani
Bloody Hell, we did not get any relief from our takeout order of Hyderabadi Chicken Biryani either.
There were several issues with Volga’s Hyderabadi Chicken Biryani.
First, it lacked the gorgeous aromatic flavor of Biryani spices. Second, the Chicken pieces in Hyderabadi Chicken Biryani were chewy. Third, boiled chicken pieces seem to have been thrown into the cooked rice as an afterthought, not cooked with it as it ought to be.
Our takeout order of Hyderabadi Chicken Biryani ($9.99) and Vegetable Samosas ($2.00) came with napkins, plastic spoons and forks. But the lazy bozos never included plates.
All in all, the disgusting quality of the food suggested that Volga Iselin was not fit even for canines or felines, let alone humans!
Show these bozos at Volga Iselin your middle finger with gusto.
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