Fellow Jihadis, our generous Pakistani benefactors
and my countless acolytes, a few short hours ago after recklessly thrusting my head and chest into the path of two American bullets I boarded a stealth, radar-evading CH-47 Chinook helicopter at Abbottabad in the wee hours of the night to embark upon my journey to a new compound.
My departure was hurried and the ride was bumpy.
Unlike the other uniformed passengers in the helicopter I was not wearing a seat-belt since I was lying on the floor with sticky red fluid oozing out of the corner of my left eye and the round hole in my chest.
I was greatly saddened to be traveling without the company of my young wives and countless children (ages 2-34). But I consoled myself with visions of the many pleasures that lay ahead.
After being unceremoniously heaved out of the helicopter at a height of 50,000 feet over the North Arabian Sea, defying gravity I ascended straight to Heaven although I must admit that my hallmark turban fell off during my supersonic journey upward.
Boy, it can get really cold at that height.
Minus my Turban, the guards at Heaven faced some difficulty in confirming my identity but once the sentinels logged on to the FBI Most Wanted web page and looked at my mug, it was all smooth sailing thereafter. The guards quickly called their commander on the new Red iPhone 8. On Earth, you fellas have only Black and White iPhone 4 but here they carry the newer Red, Green and Yellow versions as well. Just one of myriad ways in which Heaven is so different and so advanced compared to Earth.
The commander of the guards, a Caliban-lookalike straight out of that British playwright’s Tempest and wearing a name tag that weirdly said Caliban Khan, arrived in a few minutes with a Green iPhone 8 clipped to his belt.
“Sheikh, welcome to your new permanent home. Here, you’ll have no fear of betrayal, no need to change houses every few months, no worries about your dialysis treatment, no more putting out cassettes every 11-months and no more endless Jihad against America and other enemies of Islam. Only you and your 72 Virgins to fondle and play with as you please,” said the commander in his effusive welcome address bowing repeatedly in my direction. Continue reading »
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