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They say when a man is in his death throes, he can see his entire life flash by.

Well, that happened to us last night.

Really.

No, we were not sick nor did we meet with a ghastly accident on the highway.

But we watched the Tamil film Saravana (2006).

The experience left us so shaken and at the end of the gruesome ordeal we felt our life flashing by.

Apes as Humans

Unlike the recent Hollywood film Rise of the Planet of the Apes where Andy Serkis dresses up as the ape Caesar, in Saravana two apes answering to the calls of Simbhu and Jyothika show up in human garb for the entire duration of the movie.

With their tails curled up in their dresses, the two apes ran amok on the screen, alternately screaming, laughing, eating, crying and making, well, monkeys of themselves.

From the opening scene when the eponymous hero ape Saravana (Simbhu) comes zooming into the college on a foreign motorbike to the final scene when he leaves in the company of the fat buxom female ape Sadhana (Jyothika), the movie is one epic apic torture directed by a bigger ape K.S.Ravikumar (who has a cameo in the train during the male ape’s journey to the female ape’s village).

Of course, Saravana is another obscenely crappy, crudely-made love story made for the semi-literate Tamil movie fans baboons.

What else are those bozos in Kollywood capable of churning out? That’s when the swines are not stealing Hollywood plots.

And what else do Tamil movie buffs baboons want.

The non-story is focused on obsessive distasteful love with detours over an age-old enmity between the female’s ape’s family and a neighboring bunch of whackos. Continue reading »

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UK Tamils Bugger Vinnaithaandi Varuvaayaa at BO;
Trisha, Simbhu, Menon Hang Your Heads in Shame

Goat-fucking idiots! Offspring of lunatic donkeys! Shameless eunuchs from somewhere.
- the drunks yelling in the beggar-van in Rohinton Mistry’s tour de force A Fine Balance P.323

Thank God, fictional drunks can’t watch Vinnaithaandi Varuvaayaa.

For if they did, the tipplers wouldn’t hesitate one nanosecond before unleashing the same vitriolic barrage at (mis)director Gautam Menon and the twin midgets in his menagerie i.e. Simbhu and Trisha besides hurling a few more choice epithets at these offenders.

Boring Shit
Is there any one among you that can answer this question – How did this Vinnaithaandi Varuvaayaa abortion come to be made and how did it get to be released in theaters?

Since you schmucks can’t answer that, here’s our hypothesis: Some Stalin or Grimalkin had more money than it knew what to do with and the end-result was this boring shit called Vinnaithaandi Varuvaayaa.

If you go by the credits, Gautham Menon has also penned the story for this grossly underwhelming movie.

Yet another unimaginative, trite love story, Vinnaithaandi Varuvaayaa offers little charm to the audience.

Same old boy sees girl, falls head-over-heels in love drivel. And as y’all know the course of true love never does run smooth in Indian films and opposition invariably comes by way of the stubborn father and the different religions of the lovers.

That’s all there’s to this junk. Really, guys.

And we yawned through the ennui for 2 hours and 30-minutes.

To think that this Menon fella has been making movies for a decade and this shitty script is all he can come up with?

Sad. Depressing.

Depressing Acting
Simbhu or Vombhu or wateva name this Little Supershit is known by is no great shakes as an actor.

We saw him earlier in Vallavan and tonight in this abortion. Continue reading »

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