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Dec 192014

PK starts off with a nude, 200% human-like alien (Aamir Khan) alighting from a flying saucer spaceship into the Rajasthan desert and wearing a shining, round green pendant around his neck.

Once the nude alien loses his green pendant (actually a remote control to hail back the spaceship) to a thief, transfers the two-in-one transistor/cassette player covering his private parts to his hands and starts wearing clothes, the film quickly derails into an unending series of absurdities that get more painful to endure as time passes.

By the time, the alien turns into PK, learns to speak Bhojpuri (by using his hands like a USB plug into a hooker’s hands and backuping her language into his mind) and starts yodelling about Wrong Number connections to God, the movie has become another examplar of the mindless Bollywood balderdash that halfwit producers like Vidhu Vinod Chopra revel in dishing out every Friday to a nation of billion plus lobotomized Hanumans.

Since most Indians are the archetypal earthling Chutiyas depicted in the movie, doubtless they’ll smack their lips, wet their trousers and swoon over the baloney PK abounds in.

I bet countless yokels in Mumbai, Dilli, Patiala, Patna and Hyderabad are already wah-wah-wah-ing on Twitter and FB about the ‘astounding’ job Aamir Khan did in the film when truth be said all the clown did for the entirety of this ridiculous farce was roll his eyes left, right, top and down or open them insanely wide.

If what midget Khan does is acting, color me confused.

Typical Garbage

The message of this treacly nonsense is that Pakistanis are not bad people, Muslim boys do not betray Hindu girls after bedding them, Earthlings are lying sick fucks who say one thing and mean another and aliens are nice nudists brimming with love and understanding.

I’m no expert on Pakistani people or Muslim boys. And I’m not too happy with Earthlings myself.

But I’m certain of one thing – Vidhu Vinod Chopra and Rajkumar Hirani (director) are 420s (Indianese for charlatans and crooks) who betray us repeatedly with contrived scripts and cartoons of movies.

Since unimaginative Bollywood morons can’t think of a movie without an improbable European setting, we have an Indian girl Jaggu in Belgium.

Jaggu is played by Anushka Sharma adhering diligently to her de rigueur wardrobe of less (clothes) is more (flesh). Continue reading »

Dec 082014

Much as I’m convinced that god does not exist, there’s occasional proof that he does.

Folks, Action Jackson is a mighty disaster at the U.S. box office.

Nothing pleases me more than to see chimps like Ajay Devgn and Prabhu Deva kissing the dust when they put out so trashy a film as Action Jackson.

Here are the opening weekend U.S. box office numbers for Action Jackson:

Action Jackson - A Dud in U.S.

Related Posts:
Action Jackson Review – Infernal Garbage
Dec 052014

When a girl’s luck changes drastically for the better each time she espies the dick of a young man exiting the loo/dressing room, you know Bollywood is plumbing Satanic lows.

Eternally burdened by ill-luck (at office, movie halls, restaurants etc), life is at a low ebb for Khushi (Sonakshi Sinha).

Dame luck will smile on this cow only if she sees the dick of Vishy (Ajay Devgan), a fact the idiotic Jonah makes no secret of to her friends.

So desperate is Khushi to marry an Indian groom from America that she runs looking for Vishy or rightly speaking looking for his lucky dicky.

I’m not exaggerating, not even by a degree. I swear!

Alas, ‘dick-luck’ is merely one of countless dickhead elements littered throughout the atrocious Action Jackson depravity.

Action Jackson is not so much a movie as the collective vomit expelled by director Prabhu Deva, Ajay Devgan, Sonakshi Sinha, Anand Raj et al on the faces of the audience.

As is her wont, Sonakshi Sinha wears the constant demeanor of a drooling cow lethargically, moronically chewing the cud after grazing around the entire neighborhood. Mercifully, this bovine creature’s time on screen is short.

Ajay Devgan’s soporific performance and selection of this insane film is incontrovertible proof that brain damage is hereditary.

Cuckoo father, cuckoo son!

Bizarre Story

The story is infantile in its entirety, ‘written’ by an ass aka A.C. Mughil.

Bizarrely silly but par for the course in Bollywood (Don, Rowdy Rathore, Dhoom 3, Billa, Aaradhana etc had lookalikes), there are two Ajay Devgans in Action Jackson.

The first Ajay (Vishy) is a small Mumbai thug who uses his hands to bash up his victims.

A Bangkok-based killer and right-handman of an international arms dealer Xavier (Anand Raj), the second Ajay (AJ) uses his sword to dispatch his victims.

Hands= Mumbai Ajay; Sword=Thailand Ajay. Comprende? Continue reading »

Oct 022014

To refresh my memory, I borrowed Knight and Day from our local library and (re)watched it yesterday.

Unimpressive as Knight and Day is, the Hollywood film is a quadrillion times superior to its ugly Indian spawn Bang Bang that released in U.S. and Indian theatres today.

Tom Cruise has a beguiling charm that Hrithik Roshan will never possess and Cameron Diaz is by orders of magnitude a better actress than the British zombie Katrina Kaif.

Above all, there is a wit and sharpness in the Hollywood film’s writing that the pathetic Bollywood mutation is sorely wanting in.

Only in an incredibly stupid Bollywood ‘action’ movie will an undercover army officer/spy Vickie/Rajveer/Jai (Hrithik Roshan) on a special mission to nab dreaded terrorist Omar Zafar and avenge his brother’s murder launch into a silly song Tu Meri…Mein Tera mere minutes after meeting a girl (Katrna Kaif) for the first time (the scene at the Shimla restaurant).

Oh, My Sugar Daddy

Among the many horrors I encountered in Bang Bang – and with mucho difficulty endured –  what got my goat the most was Katrina Kaif’s godawful performance.

The British import has not one acting cell in her body.

Showing not a single spark of life, Katrina rigormortised her way through the entire film. Continue reading »

Sep 132014

Finding Fanny easily makes it to the thin list of my favorite Indian movies.

The story is delightfully offbeat, highly original and the acting an endless treat.

Love, lust and regret hang heavy in the decrepit air of Goan village Pocolim that time seems to have passed by.

Finding Fanny - Delightful Movie


Pocolim’s postmaster, the old bachelor Ferdie (Naseeruddin Shah) is one of a kind.

Mooning 46 years over a rejection from inamorata Stephanie Fernandes aka Fanny, his life goes off balance when he learns the letter (proposal) he sent to Fanny never reached the pretty girl.

So the batty old man determines to find Fanny and express his deep, abiding love to her face to face.

That’s the starting point of this dark romantic comedy featuring Naseeruddin Shah, Pankaj Kapur, Dimple Kapadia, Deepika Padukone, Arjun Kapoor and Ranveer Singh (in a ‘short-lived’ role). Continue reading »

Sep 122014

1. You are a scrotum-scratching chutiya from Andheri, Artesia, Edison or Sunnyvale who thinks if an Indian movie doesn’t start with Chulbul Pandey monkeying around the Bihari moti it must at least end with the blood-curdling scream Bajirao Singham

2. You think Homi Adajania is a kind of musty cheese Parsis smear on the face and inner thighs of their dear dead ones to attract the vanishing vultures at the Tower of Silence in Mumbai

3. You can’t stand the sight of a ‘no good actor’ like Naseeruddin Shah and wish he’d been dispatched to the gallows along with Nathuram Godse or, better still, decades earlier with Bhagat Singh

4. You know for sure Pankaj Kapur is Kareena Kapoor’s grandfather who was killed steps from the Indian border while fleeing from Pakistan after India won Independence in 1944

5. You’re convinced Indian movie directors are brazenly robbing you unless unarmed Rowdy Rathore pummels 18 heavily armed goondas (brandishing sickles, clubs, soda bottles, knives and guns) to pulp while simultaneously explaining to Daadimaa on the cell-phone why he’s late for lunch

6. You have proved in the past that a movie minus items like “Munni Badnam Hui,” “Sheela Ki Jawaani” or “Chikni Chameli” is asking for the screen to be burnt down Continue reading »