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Aug 252014

No one has ever accused Indians (be they in Mera Bharat Mahaan or in Amreeka) of possessing even a semblance of class.

As I’ve said often, the essence of Indians is their Chutiyaness.

Nowhere is the Indian Chutiyaness more evident than in their unbounded love for trashy Bollywood movies.

Trashier the Indian movie the bigger its box office collections.

When that rare good movie like Mardaani hits the screen, Indians collectively raise their middle finger in disapproval.

So I’m not surprised that Mardaani has fared poorly at the U.S. box office.

For the opening August 22-24, 2014 weekend, Mardaani grossed a mere $144,348 from 76 screens.

Here’s how Mardaani fared at the U.S. box office compared to a few prominent Bollywood films:

Mardaani Opening Weekend Box Office Report

Related Mardaani Posts:
Mardaani Review – Miracle! Indian Film No Stinky
Aug 222014

Gentlemen, please key in your bids on the iPads for item #104 [a young girl up for sale].

100% virgin. 100% pure.


- Scene from Mardaani

Amid the stinking dungheap of crappy Bollywood movies, Mardaani stands out as an aberration.

A rare Indian film that comes across as a breath of fresh air.

All round fine performances (Rani Mukerji, Tahir Bhasin etc), decent writing (Gopi Puthran) and above all competent direction (Pradeep Sarkar of Parineeta fame) left me in a joyous mood as I left the multiplex.

Yes, Mardaani bears some resemblance to the 2008 English film Taken in the broad storyline – Of a young girl being kidnapped by sex traffickers and the subsequent manhunt for the criminals by the father (played by Liam Neeson).

But Mardani’s debt to the English film is not in the same league as Imtiaz Ali’s pathetic piece of stolen shit Highway that had Indian critics deepthroating the film despite overwhelming evidence of plagiarism.

Oh yes, I’d rate Mardaani better than Taken.
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Mardani director Pradeep Sarkar deserves kudos for straying from the beaten path (of drivel like Kick, Dabanng, Humshakals, Singham Returns etc) and putting out a fine, mostly realistic Bollywood movie. Continue reading »

Aug 182014

After reading with great anguish those endless reports of how [the pathetic piece of shit] Singham Returns has set the Indian box office on fire, I was quite relieved that the junk has not done all that well in the U.S.

Some consolation, sweetie!

It’d be a travesty of art if garbage like Singham Returns were to do well at the box office.

For the opening August 15-17, 2014 weekend, Singham Returns managed only a little over half a million dollars at the U.S. box office.

That’s a pitiful figure for a two-decades plus star like Ajay Devgan.

Ajay Devgan – Pitiful

Alia Bhatt was not even born when Ajay Devgan started his film career in 1991.

Yet that mouse Alia roars louder than Ajay Devgan with all his 24-pack muscles.

Alia’s 2 States did over a million dollars at the U.S. boxoffice, nearly double that of Singham Returns.

Maybe Ajay should deck himself in Alia’s panties!
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Here’s how Singham Returns fared at the U.S. box office compared to a few prominent Bollywood films: Continue reading »

Aug 152014

Garbage Returns!

Now, that would be the most apt title for this latest Bollywood atrocity to hit U.S. screens.

Singham Returns is the second film in the Singham franchise.

And if you ask me, the new one is as loathsome as its predecessor.
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Garbage Returns

No amount of opprobrium can be too much for a movie where, defying the state Chief Minister, the entire Mumbai City police force including the Commissioner remove their shirts, quit their jobs, and led by our Deputy Commisioner hero march en masse to the villain’s house, beat him and his accomplices to pulp, arrest them (hey, didn’t the cops quit their jobs 10-minutes earlier?) and haul the criminal asses to the police station.

Oh, I almost forgot. After beating the two villains black and blue, our DCP hero shoots them on their buttocks. (Why buttocks? Why not the feet or hand? I have no clue but my gut feel is that in real life our hero has a penchant for peeche lena-dena! Remind me to check with Kajol.)

And for these bizarre antics worthy of a trip to the loony bin, the Mumbai Police force is let off with literally a wink and a warning by the Chief Minister.

Such is the infernal nonsense liberally strewn throughout this mind-numbing insanity that comes to us courtesy of that talentless bozo Rohit Shetty who has the chutzpah to claim he’s director and writer of his latest direction-less piece of shit.

Folks, the best that can be said about Garbage Returns is that it’s hideously awful some of the time and horribly revolting the rest of the time.

If the film’s hero and producer Ajay Devgan’s goal was to cast a shining light on the Mumbai City Police, he achieved the opposite by making them look like an out of control band of simian thugs with all screws loose.

Tiresome Retread

Garbage Returns is a retread of the beaten to death plot of an honest and daring police officer single-handedly taking on the corrupt Indian political system.

This theme has been flogged to death in a thousand movies including by Bollywood copycats. Continue reading »

Aug 082014

This insufferable Bollywood movie featuring dogs, Akshay Kumar, bitches and Tammanah Bhatia plumbs the depths of the depravity business.

A bizarre species named Sajid-Farhad held the dog-leash of this exercise in cruelty, pretending to direct the canine-pack of bipeds and quadrupeds. Apparently, the duo also ‘wrote’ the screenplay and dialogs.

Who’s the Dog? Who’s the Bitch?

If you can separate Akshay Kumar, Sonu Sood and Prakash Raj from the dogs and Tamannah Bhatia from the bitches in Entertainment, I doff my hat to you.

I found the task well nigh impossible.

In some scenes, Akshay was on all fours and in most scenes Prakash Raj and Sonu Sood behaved no different than rabid canines.

I swear on Balaji that in several scenes Tamannah Bhatia and the female canine displayed the same amount of skin and in the final wedding scene both brides (human and canine) wore white!

And half-way through the movie, the girl’s father (Mithun Chakravorty) advises her in all seriousness she tie the knot with the dog.

Now if only she’d heeded the paternal pearl of wisdom and knotted herself with the dog my crucifixion ordeal in front of the screen would have been shortened.

No Comedy, Endless Misery

Folks, let the paid critics bark what they will about the film’s virtues but Entertainment is not one whit entertaining. Continue reading »

Aug 022014

So you want to make sense of the impossible to understand India?

Here watch this classic Bollywood song Ek Do Teen (sung by Alka Yagnik).

In the 1980s, Ek Do Teen had every Indian on his/her/Its feet.

No, I haven’t seen Tezaab.

Sorry, Sweetie! Even in the 80s, I had class!

Here, drool on Madhuri Dixit, her 34B (??) tits, 30 bottom (boring nah?) and all! ;)

Madhuri, now a 47-year-old budiya, is desperaaaately trying a comeback in Bollywood.

Will she succeed?

Not a chance in hell.

Come back to Denver, Sweetie!

Here, watch the Anil Kapoor ‘version’ of the Ek Do Teen song: