1. You are a scrotum-scratching chutiya from Andheri, Artesia, Edison or Sunnyvale who thinks if an Indian movie doesn’t start with Chulbul Pandey monkeying around the Bihari moti it must at least end with the blood-curdling scream Bajirao Singham
2. You think Homi Adajania is a kind of musty cheese Parsis smear on the face and inner thighs of their dear dead ones to attract the vanishing vultures at the Tower of Silence in Mumbai
3. You can’t stand the sight of a ‘no good actor’ like Naseeruddin Shah and wish he’d been dispatched to the gallows along with Nathuram Godse or, better still, decades earlier with Bhagat Singh
4. You know for sure Pankaj Kapur is Kareena Kapoor’s grandfather who was killed steps from the Indian border while fleeing from Pakistan after India won Independence in 1944
5. You’re convinced Indian movie directors are brazenly robbing you unless unarmed Rowdy Rathore pummels 18 heavily armed goondas (brandishing sickles, clubs, soda bottles, knives and guns) to pulp while simultaneously explaining to Daadimaa on the cell-phone why he’s late for lunch
6. You have proved in the past that a movie minus items like “Munni Badnam Hui,” “Sheela Ki Jawaani” or “Chikni Chameli” is asking for the screen to be burnt down
7. You swear only Bajirao Singham, Rowdy Rathore, Chulbul Pandey and Abhishek ‘Kabaddi Kabaddi Kabaddi‘ Bachchan can act
8. You believe no movie is paisa vaisool unless in the blink of an eye the heroine and hero are suddenly dancing on the Swiss Alps and change clothes a dozen times during the song
9. Your Nirvana is sobbing uncontrollably while listening to Mera paas building hain, property hain, bank balance hain, bungalow hain, gaadi hain. Kya hai tumara paas? Mera paas Maa hain! again, and again and again for four decades
10. You tell any gaandu who’ll listen to you that Indian English movies like Being Cyrus, Finding Fanny etc are made by faltu people who don’t know how to entertain Aam Aadmi
11. You have no doubt that in a good Indian movie Ranveer Singh will never die soon and leave Deepika Padukone prey to hyenas like Arjun Kapoor or weirdos like Dimple Kapadia
12. Your theory is that an Indian movie that strays from the well trodden 5-songs-4-fights formula deserves not just the middle finger but all nine fingers and 11 toes
Folks, Finding Fanny is that rare Indian gem that demands your presence at the movie house this weekend.
Finding Fanny is playing in theatres across America.