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Sep 212012
 




Hooray, Barfi Crushes Heroine at U.S. BO

Heroine (2012)
Director: Madhur Bhandarkar
Cast: Kareena Kapoor, Arjun Rampal, Randeep Hooda, Helen

Repeated boob shows,  self-made porn tapes, multiple bedroom scenes, lesbian acts, itsy-bitsy costumes that cover little and leave little to the imagination and pimping out men to get film roles, all punctuated by screams of “Bastard,” “Bitch,” and endless puffs of a cigarette constitute the sum total of Bollywood director Madhur Bhandarkar’s latest offensive against Indian moviegoers called Heroine.

Incapable of coming up with a coherent, engaging narrative, Bhandarkar’s sole ‘achievement’ with Heroine is to caricature top Indian actresses as bitchy tramps and the top actors as sexploiting cads.

In lockstep with the plunging necklines of the girls in Heroine, Bhandarkar plumbs the depths of every possible cliche about the movie world and wraps them up in mediocre dialogs shorn of any zing.

As if all of the above were not crass enough to put the discerning audience off, Bhandarkar populates the movie with two of India’s worst actors, Kareena Kapoor and Arjun Rampal.

Both Kareena and Arjun cannot emote to save their lives and yet, mon dieu, these charlatans hog most of the screen time.

Kareena plays the eponymous heroine Mahi Arora of Heroine.

The movie follows her career ups and downs, romances and failed romances, insatiable lust for fame and success, hysterical outbursts, pill-popping and drinking, traumas and betrayals, all in the crassest, crudest fashion possible.

The writing and acting are so sloppy that it’s impossible to make an emotional connection with the woman at the center of it all.

Kareena’s sole contribution to the film is to make herself look as slutty as possible much of the time while wearing the least possible amount of clothes.

If you have to know, Arjun Rampal plays Aryan, a film star and one of Mahi’s lovers.

What’s with all the “Rats,” “Andy,” “Babes?”

Does no one in Bollywood have an Indian-sounding name any more? If the goal is to effect sophistication, it’s a miserable failure.

And why is almost everyone in the movie smoking?

Makes me suspect the criminal tobacco industry financed this trash.

Worse, the film’s ending is completely out of sync with everything that preceded it.

Yet no explanation is offered for Mahi’s volte face and the titles start to roll.

Among the lesser cast, Randeep Hooda (playing a cricket player and Mahi’s besotted lover) and yesteryear vamp Helen were decent.

Mediocre Music

Many a crappy Bollywood film has been salvaged by its fine music.

Alas, the music is no redemption here.

Au contraire, the crappy music savages an already awful film.

Be it the opening song Mein Heroine Hoon or the later ones like Halkat Jawani, it’s all senseless noise accompanied by graceless, foot-stomping a.k.a Bollywood dancing.

Never have these old eyes beheld so crudely picturized a song as Halkat Jawani.

Verdict

Folks, Heroine is no Sunset Boulevard, the Hollywood classic directed by Billy Wilder on an aging actress desperate for a comeback.

And this anorexic little twit Kareena Kapoor is no Gloria Swanson.

Not even remotely close.

Heroine is a lengthy, tiresome third rate Indian soft-porn film masquerading as mainstream Hindi cinema.

If any Bollywood film begged you to raise the middle finger this year, it’s this crude piece of trash a.k.a. Heroine.

Your favorite blog SearchIndia.com implores you to avoid Heroine at all costs unless you’ve taken complete leave of your senses.

  5 Responses to “Heroine Review – Third Rate Desi Porn”

  1. @SI – “What’s with all the “Rats,” “Andy,” “Babes?””

    By using these names they want us to feel like we’re watching a hollywood movie.

    Foreign locations and english sounding names thats the new definition of a polished bollywood movie.

    Forget the engaging story and performances.

    SearchIndia.com Responds:

    Rats, Andy, Babes….The whole things appears so contrived! Not to forget the obligatory gay fellow with the pansy voice and effeminate antics.

    The biggest thing Bollywood has in their favor is India’s population…Even if a tiny fraction of the 1.2 billion mosquitoes watches a mega-shit film, it becomes a bumper-hit. :(

    What gets me a lot these days are the Bollywood dances. Seems to have gotten worse over the decades. Utterly charmless and graceless.

  2. Just happened to be reading this and coincidentally also showing on Comcast NJ channel 19 are the two Indian Saturday morning shows.

    Ms.Kapoor and Mr.Bhandarkar are merrily yapping away like this is the best movie that has been made about a leading movie actress.

    Fellas, it happens to be Ms.Kapoor’s birthday and she would like her fans to give her the best by awarding her film a big opening, so please do your bit :-)

    SearchIndia.com Responds:

    1. You write: Fellas, it happens to be Ms.Kapoor’s birthday and she would like her fans to give her the best by awarding her film a big opening,

    Well, if she comes out in her Birthday Suit in her next film we’ll give her a big ‘opening.’

    Heck, we’ll even watch it twice, birthday or no birthday. ;)

    2. You write: Ms.Kapoor and Mr.Bhandarkar are merrily yapping away like this is the best movie that has been made about a leading movie actress.

    Going by media reports from India, all of the skin show is not working magic at the box office. Mixed response at BO – http://www.bollywoodhungama.com/trade/update/id/294/date/2012-09-21

    I’d be surprised if this junk gains any more traction.

  3. I guess you should thank the reader who recommended it to you :-)

    By the way, you have not watched / reviewed most of my recommendations. :-(

    SearchIndia.com Responds:

    I’ll get to them all, one Netflix DVD at a time.

    Next on my list is Woman in the Dunes (1964), recommended by longtime SI Blog reader VJcool. The DVD’s been with me for at least a week now.

  4. Potential plot idea for a future Mahesh Bhatt soft porn

    http://www.sify.com/news/bilawal-bhutto-in-love-with-foreign-minister-khar-news-editors+picks-mj0kKHihfac.html?fod=textonly&story=2

    SearchIndia.com Responds:

    I don’t blame Bilawal. Not one bit.

    God, I wish India had a ‘hot’ foreign minister like Hina Rabbani Khar. ;)

    • Why?? Who needs someone like Hina Khar when we have flaming hot Renuka Choudhary, sweet Mamta Bannerjee and charming Mayawati.

      SearchIndia.com Responds:

      Jayapradha is the only ‘acceptable’ Indian politician.

      Of course, only until sweet ‘Ilayathalapathy‘ jumps into the political arena. ;)