A few minutes back, as we were checking out Pak-loving Chutiya Shahrukh Khan’s films on Netflix in response to a comment from SI blog reader VJcool, we stumbled upon DDLJ, Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge to all ye ignorattis, in the Instant Play section.
Like most real desis, we’ve of course seen this DDLJ nonsense several times.
But hey, what’s the problem with ogling at supposedly mother-to-be-again Kajol one more time, right?
We’ve already had a glass of gin and are sufficiently high.
All we need is a good, well-filled out fantasy gal for the night! Thank God, she doesn’t have that size-zero fixation.
And people do fill out well in all the right places during pregnancy, right? 😉
Truth be said, the woman already has a reasonable pair of knockers.
In any case, Kajol would do in the absence of Charlize Theron!
Excuse us will you while we pour ourselves another glass of Gilbey’s Gin and mix it with some 79-cent Seltzer Water from the supermarket.
By the way, Seltzer Water is better than Club Soda because it contains less adulterants and is closer to pure water.
So, here we are in bed with a glass of Gin on the adjacent stool, watching the opening scenes of DDLJ with the late Amrish Puri a.k.a Chaudhry Baldev Singh feeding the pigeons and droning on about London Shaher and how he’s an alien here even after half a lifetime in the city.
We’ll update this post as and when we can rouse ourselves from our gin-filled stupor.
Well, we’ve met Simran’s family.
Her strict father (Amrish Puri), the convenience store owner in London, with a nostalgia for all things Indian, her sister Chutki and mother Lajjo.
Ha ha, we’ve also seen Kajol in the skimpy white blouse and skimpier white skirt dancing in the rain as the dress clings to her body showing off her assets as she sings Mere Khwabon Mein. 😉
The white skirts billowing high, we espied Simran (Kajol) lifting her nice kinda darkish legs high. Nice glimpse of her pretty thighs too. We likey, much likey.
Simran’s mother tells her it’s alright to dream but don’t expect those dreams to come true.
Very ominous, eh? Setting the stage for what’s to come.
Yeah, we’ve met Raj Malhotra (Shahrukh Khan) and his father (Anupam Kher) too.
Raj has upheld the hallowed family tradition, having flunked the exams.
Can someone tell us why both Simran and Raj Malhotra have typical Indian accents despite living in London for a gazillion years.
Never mind. Simran has convinced her strict dad to let her take a month-long Eurail trip with her friends before tying the knot with Sujit, her father’s frend’s son in Punjab.
Raj is also on the same Eurail trip with his buddies.
Voila, Raj and Simran have met, having barely made it to the train. Thank God, we were worried.
Another song, supposedly at Paris. Ruk Ja O Dil Deewane. Raj is making a monkey of himself on the piano. At first. Oh, he does pack some piano skills!
Kajol in a green, backless dress, looks delicious.
By the way, was it our drink or did we really peek into her cleavage in one of those scenes? 😉
The Eurail trip is on.
Trains are missed.
Cognac is consumed. Lots of it by both Simran and Raj.
With so much liquor, can a song be far behind.
There you go with Kajol rising from the haystacks in a white top and red skirt with Zara Se Jhoom Loon Mein on her lips.
The girl is running on the Swiss roads like one possessed followed by the equally crazy wastrel Raj.
Well, all good things must come to an inevitable end. After romping around the continent, Raj and Simran are back in London.
Cupid’s dart firmly lodged in their hearts, the two youngsters pine for each other setting the stage for another song right in the train station – Na Jaane Mere Dil Ko Kya Ho Gaya.
The picturization is nothing great with this number as with the others.
Well, when has the path of true love been free of obstacles? The biggest obstacle is in the Bauji (Amrish Puri), Simran’s father who has promised his daughter’s hand to his buddy’s (Satish Shah) son in Punjab.
Brushing aside all protestations of her love, the incensed old man packs off the family to Punjab for the girl’s wedding to Kuljit Singh.
If it’s Punjab, there’s got to be more song. We have Ghar Aaja Pardesi amidst the fields of Punjab.
Boring shit of wedding details and meeting relatives follow.
Meanwhile, in London our hero Raj is pining for the girl but has given up after learning she’s off to India to get marriage. But spurred by his father who tells him to go, get the girl, our Raj takes the next flight to Punjab.
Schmuck, whaddya think happens?
Of course, Raj and Simran meet and yet another song follows (sigh) – Tujhe Dekha To. Kajol looks angelic in the pink saree. Simply divine!
The groom Kuljit behaves like a clown with all that hunting nonsense and boozing around with his buddies.
And how do you think Raj gets into the marriage fortress? By wearing a cowboy hat and through one of the silliest stunts we’ve seen in a long time.
Ha ha ha, we suddenly hear Ennio Morricone’s classic theme from For a Few Dollars More in the background. No kidding.
Are there no limits to nonsense? Apparently not.
Despite Simran’s insistent pleas, Raj refuses to take her away arguing that while he may have been born in England his heart is still Hindustani and so her father will have to give him the bride.
Plain rubbish. But, hey, our hypocritical Indians love all this stupid shit as the wild success of this movie has proved.
What a bizarre ending!
Simran’s old man, yeah the one with those cold, unflinching, blazing eyes and the rich baritone voice, who’s steadfastly refused to accept his daughter’s choice hitherto suddenly has a change of heart and willingly offers her hand to the boy he loathes, the boy he’s slapped left and right just a few minutes earlier, and bids her go to him at the train station.
But not until we’re subjected to two more songs – Mehndi Lagake Rakna and one more just before Simran’s wedding to be and the ridiculous confrontation between the old man and Raj. And not before Raj subjects us to the utter drivel of telling his girl We’ve no right to make our parents sad in that eventful confrontation with her father that has him ultimately leaving for the train station.
What Made DDLJ a Blockbuster
Well, why was Priyanka Chopra born? Why did Abhishek Bachchan get into acting? Was Salman Khan behind the wheels of the van during the accident that dispatched one poor soul to his maker and injured three others? Who makes Amitabh Bachchan’s wigs?
Now, if you can answer the above questions definitively we’ll tell you why DDLJ was such a blockbuster despite a storyline that’s downright silly.
Seriously, who can tell why a Bollywood movie succeeds or fails in India or with the diaspora.
For the most part, Indian movies are the same old crappy love stories with miserable acting and awful song/dance routines. Yet some succeed while the majority bite the dust.
Our hypothesis is that DDLJ’s stupendous success owed to a combination of fluke, decent songs, passable acting and above all the good fortune of capturing the zeitgeist of the 1990s.