When Indian filmmakers like Priyadarshan are not pissing out mindless comedies, they’re pimping out nonsensical ‘action’ outrages like Tezz that are loosely based on decades-old foreign films (the 1975 Japanese film Bullet Train, in this instance).
Tezz made us want to yelp in agony – Do one thing for me, Sredni Vashtar.
Bet you schmucks have no idea what we’re talking about (one clue – Saki).
Flimsy, Crappy Story
The flimsy, ridiculous thread on which Tezz hangs is that if an illegal Indian immigrant Aakash (Ajay Devgn) is arrested and deported from the U.K. for working without a permit, he’ll return four years later angry as hell and not only wreak mayhem but also threaten to blow up 500 people aboard a fast-moving London-Glasgow train unless you quickly grease his palm with 10-million Euros (and only in used currency, mind you).
Among the countless police officers in UK only our Hindi speaking Indian detective Arjun Khanna (Anil Kapoor) working for the UK Counter-Terrorist Command in London can thwart Aakash, prevent the carnage, save the day and make senior British policemen look like a bunch of dodos.
Yes, the Rail Traffic Controller in the UK Rail is an Indian Sanjay Raina (Boman Irani).
Of course, the UK Counter-Terrorism Command Detective’s second in command Vikas is also an Indian.
Need you even ask? Yes, the UK Narcotics Department Detective escorting a prisoner on the train is an Indian Shiv Menon (played by the obese South Indian buffoon Mohanlal).
For sure, the UK Rail Traffic Controller’s second in command Radhika is an Indian girl.
Damn, at this rate in the next Bollywood film the British Queen will be a 85-year-old Indian woman Enema Randima Patel and the Crown Prince will be 59-year-old Charles Bewakoof Patel!
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