When Indian filmmakers like Priyadarshan are not pissing out mindless comedies, they’re pimping out nonsensical ‘action’ outrages like Tezz that are loosely based on decades-old foreign films (the 1975 Japanese film Bullet Train, in this instance).
Tezz made us want to yelp in agony – Do one thing for me, Sredni Vashtar.
Bet you schmucks have no idea what we’re talking about (one clue – Saki).
Flimsy, Crappy Story
The flimsy, ridiculous thread on which Tezz hangs is that if an illegal Indian immigrant Aakash (Ajay Devgn) is arrested and deported from the U.K. for working without a permit, he’ll return four years later angry as hell and not only wreak mayhem but also threaten to blow up 500 people aboard a fast-moving London-Glasgow train unless you quickly grease his palm with 10-million Euros (and only in used currency, mind you).
Among the countless police officers in UK only our Hindi speaking Indian detective Arjun Khanna (Anil Kapoor) working for the UK Counter-Terrorist Command in London can thwart Aakash, prevent the carnage, save the day and make senior British policemen look like a bunch of dodos.
Yes, the Rail Traffic Controller in the UK Rail is an Indian Sanjay Raina (Boman Irani).
Of course, the UK Counter-Terrorism Command Detective’s second in command Vikas is also an Indian.
Need you even ask? Yes, the UK Narcotics Department Detective escorting a prisoner on the train is an Indian Shiv Menon (played by the obese South Indian buffoon Mohanlal).
For sure, the UK Rail Traffic Controller’s second in command Radhika is an Indian girl.
Damn, at this rate in the next Bollywood film the British Queen will be a 85-year-old Indian woman Enema Randima Patel and the Crown Prince will be 59-year-old Charles Bewakoof Patel!
God, what drivel Hindi movie fans have to put up with, eternally condemned as we’re to watching third-rate films churned out by a troupe of monkeys.
No wonder, the Bollywood simians drew a blank this time too in all the major categories at the upcoming Cannes Film Festival.
Neither Ajay Devgn nor Anil Kapoor impressed us in the least in Tezz.
Both wear a tired, haggard, languid look about them that not all the makeup in the world can mask.
In any case, with a story so sophomoric even great actors can’t do much to entertain the audience leave alone lesser actors like Ajay Devgn or Anil Kapoor.
Bollywood’s Twin Freaks
As all Hindi film fans know, among the dizzying array of freaks populating Bollywood Sameera Reddy and Zayad Khan occupy pride of place.
To our great dismay, both these freaks find a place in Tezz.
An Amazonian figure with little grace, Sameera Reddy has not a single acting cell in her giant frame despite her presence in some two dozen Hindi and South Indian films so far.
As for Zayed Khan, rumor has it that when he came out of the womb his tiny head never made it outside. And you can see the evidence in the acephalous bozo’s acting in movie after movie.
And what’s with the Malayalee joker Mohanlal, who made an ass of himself in that Tamil crap-show Unnaipol Oruvan, doing here in a microscopic role.
Must be the old Mallu connection. Tezz’ (mis)director is also a Mallu and must have thrown a scrap at Mohanlal.
Although the movie moves into high velocity in the initial few minutes, it quickly loses all steam as all the happenings shift to outside the train, vis-a-vis the flashbacks, chases, deportation, songs, item numbers etc.
Both Mallika Sherawat and her Laila…Laila item number were beyond repulsive.
Crude dancing and awful music caused us to throw up our Upma brunch (almost).
The Tere Bina song (and its picturization) was the acme of grotesquerie!
Kangana Ranaut has an insignificant role in Tezz. What a waste of a face-job!
Unless you’ve taken complete leave of your senses, we strongly recommend you stay away from this Bollywood piece of trash aka Tezz.
There’s nothing Tezz (fast) or classy about Tezz!
Folks, the movie is junk and implores you to raise the middle finger.
There’re better ways to spend your time and money this weekend.