Chandni Chowk Review – Slit Your Wrists, Akshay

Chandni Chowk Collapses – Down 80%
Confirmed – Chandni Chowk a Mega Box Office Disaster

Akshay Kumar, Akki or by whatever asinine appellation you are known, please slit your wrists (and do let the blade sink deep).That’s the only way to ensure you don’t inflict such hideous perversity on hapless viewers ever again.

Folks, no matter what you may have heard, Chandni Chowk to China is not a Bollywood Kungfu comedy but the Bollywood Rasta to Perdition.

To think we braved freezing weather (-13 degree centigrade in the Northeast and feeling like -19) to watch Chandni Chowk to China only to be subjected to 2 hours and 30 minutes (length of movie) of unadulterated garbage. Ah, painful are the injustices of life.

If you thought Akshay Kumar’s previous film Singh is Kinng was bad, Chandni Chowk to China is ugly beyond your wildest fears.

Besides Hojo (Gordon Liu ), there are three other villains in this movie – the biggest villain is of course Akshay Kumar for involving himself with and peddling such atrocious garbage to us; director Nikhil Advani for unleashing this monstrosity on the audience; and Deepika Padukone for subjecting us to a double-dose of her incompetence.

Not a Comedy
Truth be said, there are very few funny moments in this piece of junk.

Who wrote the banal dialogs that never ever sparkle. Oh well, there’s nothing sparkling in this entire movie.

What is in abundance though is amateurish nonsense.

Some people have surmised that the sophomoric screenplay for Chandni Chowk to China was written on the sets. Even that charitable possibility seems like a gross exaggeration to us.

For sure, it must have been a grand melee on the Chandi Chowk sets with everyone doing whatever they fancied and the end result turned out to be this grotesque nightmare.

No, there are no riveting fights either, Kungfu or otherwise in this stinking rubbish. The fight between White-Bull and Akshay was nothing short of torture. Ditto with the final, dreary fight between Hojo and Akshay. Insane rubbish. 

In a movie chockful of bizarre moments, here’s the weirdest – A mad man Chiang Kohung (Roger Yuan) becomes sane after twenty years with a mere glimpse of an old family photograph lying on the ground and then rejoins the local police force. And why is it that mad men always wear such a dishevelled look and shabby clothes in Hindi and Tamil movies?

Siddhu (Akshay Kumar) is a vegetable cutter in a roadside restaurant of Dada (Mithun Chakravorthy) in Chandni Chowk. Constantly playing the bumpkin, he’s always dreaming of riches through the lottery and squandering time with local astrologers or in prayers to the elephant god Ganesh beseeching riches.

Through some outlandish chicanery on the part of a local baba, Sidhu is thought of as the reincarnation of Liu Sheng, the legendary Chinese warrior of history and winds up in a remote village in China, where the locals see him as their savior in their struggle against a bald goon in black, Hojo (Gordon Liu), whose favorite weapon of execution is a humble black hat.

Then there’s this Deepika Padukone thing. Actually two of them. One is Sakhi an Indian model peddling junk on TV and the other Suzy, an assistant to Hojo. Yes, these are the lost twins of the old Bollywood movies just waiting to be found and reunited.

Sakhi also lands up in China seeking her long-lost father and sister. To waste any time on this clown would be a waste of bandwidth, so let’s move ahead.

Akshay Kumar’s Betrayal
Given the context of Bollywood movies where the heroes invariably call the shots and remain the sole focus of the movie, Chandni Chowk to China is a triple-dose of the same old vile concoction with the shaky edifice struggling to be held up by a slender thread – Akshay Kumar.

And this Akshay fella does a thoroughly disappointing job, not once delivering a memorable moment in over 150 minutes of sheer torture. 

Whether in the so-called comic scenes, the romantic fantasies or the silly fights, not once does Akshay raise above the pedestrian.

To think this bozo is paid crores to deliver this mediocre crap and we shell out $10 or more to watch this balderdash. What a swindle.

For the sake of a few silver coins, this Akshay has yet again betrayed millions of fans by shovelling garbage like Chandni Chowk to China.

Ranveer Shorey a.k.a Chopstick
As if Akshay Kumar and Deepika Padukone were not enough to pull our hair out in frustration, Nikhil Advani introduces an Indian con man in the guise of a baba called Chopstick.

Are there just no limits to Nikhil Advani’s stupidity (reminds us of that other Advani, the buffoon belonging to the anti-Muslim outfit BJP).

Worse, this Chopsticks guy overacts most of the time.

Zany Music
None of the songs had any merit.

As with the story, the folks involved with the music must have worked in an atmosphere of utter pandemonium. Neither the songs nor their picturization evoked any reaction other than that of total contempt.

Plain Awful
Chandni Chowk to China
is inifinitely worse than we’d feared (after all the nasty reviews).

If our Bollywood clowns think they are going to conquer new territories with garbage such as Chandni Chowk to China, they ought to get their lobotomized heads reexamined (desis constituted 99.99% of the audience).

Folks, if you have any thing at all in your head you won’t waste precious time or money on this disgusting piece of shit masquerading as a movie.

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Confirmed – Chandni Chowk a Mega Box Office Disaster
Chandni Chowk a Box Office Disaster? Please, God
Chandni Chowk to China is Garbage, Say Critics
Warner Bros’ Double Standards on Bollywood Piracy

10 Responses to "Chandni Chowk Review – Slit Your Wrists, Akshay"

  1. kreacher   January 17, 2009 at 12:02 pm

    Folks, if you have any thing at all in your head you won’t waste precious time or money on this disgusting piece of shit masquerading as a movie.

    So I guess this movie is going to be a blockbuster. Alas. Responds:

    Sad. 🙁

  2. mallukuttan   January 17, 2009 at 1:13 pm

    i thought “Tere naina” was a fine song..

    Box Office opening link.

    gr8 news.. 🙂 Responds:

    Your above link says opening was only average in India.

    It’s terrribly, terribly cold out here on the East Coast & we wonder how many desis will brave the sub-zero temperature (minus 10 in centigrade outside now at 1:22 PM EST i.e. 23:52 IST) to watch Chandni Chowk this weekend.

    BTW, is Warner Bros distributing the movie in India too?

  3. the gora   January 17, 2009 at 8:35 pm

    “Truth be said, there are very few funny moments in this piece of junk.”

    The only time I recall laughing was at the end right before the credits when “To Be Continued” flashed across the screen and Advani threatened viewers with the prospect of making Chandni Chowk to Africa. Mr. Delusional, Nikhil Advani. Now THAT is funny. Responds:

    Yeah, saw those pygmies at the end.

    Now a sequel is really a scary thought.

  4. mallukuttan   January 18, 2009 at 1:14 am

    Yeah.. It’s warner bros itself.. And it was really big.. Now they’ve just proved that how to make a big project look ugly.. Ugly as shit.. Responds:


  5. Malika S   January 19, 2009 at 4:03 pm

    Surprisingly most of the Top American critics are actually loving CC2C. They are :

    Boston Globe
    USA Today
    Dallas Morning News
    New York Times
    New York Daily News
    New York Post
    San Francisco Chronicle
    Toronto Star

    BUT my favorite critic Roger Ebert of Chicago Sun Times gave the movie a bad review. Woohoo!! Responds:

    So many critics have savaged this piece of junk, NDTV, India FM, Rediff, IBNLive, Philadelphia Inquirer, Village Voice, San Francisco Chronicle, Entertainment Weekly

    If the opening weekend numbers are anything to go by, Chandni Chowk to China will be a box office disaster, as it deserves to be.

  6. asha.tampa   January 20, 2009 at 1:20 am

    This movie most definitely wins the Ugliest Movie of The Year award.

    Groans could be heard in the entire theatre, and kids were crying to go home within an hour’s time.

    What a way to waste a precious weekend!

    This is one review I thoroughly enjoyed, soaked in every epithet you wrote, with a satisfied smile 🙂 Responds:

    Slumdog Millionaire is releasing in India today or tomorrow…you might like it.

  7. asha.tampa   January 20, 2009 at 1:22 am

    Ohh, btw, one of my friends went to watch Villu the same day we did CC2C; we spent some time fighting over which was the worse one 😀

  8. lovjot   January 22, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    yo how da hel dat film didnt mke u laf til da climaz, its weird, ok sum stupid comedy scences but dats wat sud make u laf. comedy is not about havin sense.
    me n ma m8s went da otha day 2 c it, n v al laffed al da way til da climax, it was sik film Responds:

    yo ma man, wat da shit u yakin abut?

  9. lovjot   January 22, 2009 at 4:45 pm

    n huever ws comparin cc2c wiv somethin neva eard of “villu” al i go2 say iz get a lyf n learn 2 laf at funy scences cos if dis film didnt mke u laf wonda wat wud. lol Responds:

    wassup man

    lil bro..who tot u 2rit lik dat

    (as in da las sicks comnts…Pulling our hair out 🙁 )

  10. LIve_AS_yOU_LIkE   January 25, 2009 at 1:40 am

    Instead of watching Garbage and reviewing them,why don’t you read some good books from South Asian authors and review them for a change.

    I have observed in most of your posts-You have got a good literary sense. Responds:

    Yes, we will.

    Upcoming Book reviews by Indian authors include Toss of a Lemon by Padma Vishwanathan and Imagining India by Nandan Nilekani.

    We reviewed Sashenka by Simon Montefiore (not Indian but British) just the other day.

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