Akshay Kumar, Akki or by whatever asinine appellation you are known, please slit your wrists (and doÂ let the blade sink deep).That’s the only way to ensure you don’t inflict such hideous perversity on hapless viewers ever again.
Folks, no matter what you may have heard, Chandni Chowk to China is not a Bollywood Kungfu comedy but the Bollywood Rasta to Perdition.
To think we braved freezing weather (-13 degree centigrade in the Northeast and feeling like -19) to watch Chandni Chowk to China only to be subjected to 2 hours and 30 minutes (length of movie) of unadulterated garbage. Ah, painful are the injustices of life.
If you thought Akshay Kumar’s previous film Singh is Kinng was bad, Chandni Chowk to China is ugly beyond your wildest fears.
Besides Hojo (Gordon LiuÂ ), there are three other villains in this movie – the biggest villain is of course Akshay Kumar for involving himself with and peddling such atrocious garbage to us; director Nikhil Advani for unleashing this monstrosity on the audience; and Deepika Padukone for subjecting us to a double-dose of her incompetence.
Not a Comedy
Truth be said, there are very few funny moments in this piece of junk.
Who wrote the banal dialogs that never ever sparkle. Oh well, there’s nothing sparkling in this entire movie.
What is in abundance though is amateurish nonsense.
Some people have surmised that the sophomoric screenplay for Chandni Chowk to China was written on the sets. Even that charitable possibility seems like a gross exaggeration to us.
For sure, it must have been a grand melee on the Chandi Chowk sets with everyone doing whatever they fancied and the end result turned out to be this grotesque nightmare.
No, there are no riveting fights either, Kungfu or otherwise in this stinking rubbish. The fight between White-Bull and Akshay was nothing short of torture. Ditto with the final, drearyÂ fight between Hojo and Akshay. Insane rubbish.Â
In a movie chockful of bizarre moments, here’s the weirdest – A mad man Chiang Kohung (Roger Yuan) becomes sane after twenty years with a mere glimpse of an old family photograph lying on the ground and then rejoins the local police force. And why is it that mad men always wear such a dishevelled look and shabby clothes in Hindi and Tamil movies?
Siddhu (Akshay Kumar) is a vegetable cutter in a roadside restaurant of Dada (Mithun Chakravorthy) in Chandni Chowk. Constantly playing the bumpkin, he’s always dreaming of riches through the lottery and squandering time with local astrologers or in prayers to the elephant god Ganesh beseeching riches.
Through some outlandish chicanery on the part of a local baba, Sidhu is thought of as the reincarnation of Liu Sheng, the legendary Chinese warrior of history and winds up in a remote village in China, where the locals see him as their savior in their struggle against a bald goon in black, Hojo (Gordon Liu),Â whose favorite weapon of execution is a humble black hat.
Then there’s this Deepika Padukone thing. Actually two of them. One is Sakhi an IndianÂ model peddling junk on TV and the other Suzy, an assistant to Hojo. Yes, these are the lost twins of the old Bollywood movies just waiting to be found and reunited.
Sakhi also lands up in China seeking her long-lost father and sister. To waste any time on this clown would be a waste of bandwidth, so let’s move ahead.
Akshay Kumar’s Betrayal
Given the context of Bollywood movies where the heroes invariably call the shots and remain the sole focus of the movie, Chandni Chowk to China is a triple-dose of the same old vile concoction with the shaky edifice struggling to be held up by a slenderÂ thread – Akshay Kumar.
And this Akshay fellaÂ does a thoroughly disappointing job, not once delivering a memorable moment in over 150 minutes of sheer torture.Â
Whether in the so-called comic scenes, the romantic fantasies or the silly fights, not once does Akshay raise above the pedestrian.
To think this bozo is paid crores to deliver this mediocre crap and we shell out $10 or more to watch this balderdash. What a swindle.
For the sake of a few silver coins, this Akshay has yet again betrayed millions of fans by shovelling garbage like Chandni Chowk to China.
Ranveer Shorey a.k.a Chopstick
As if Akshay Kumar and Deepika Padukone were not enough to pull our hair out in frustration, Nikhil Advani introduces an Indian con man in the guise of a baba called Chopstick.
Are there just no limits to Nikhil Advani’s stupidity (reminds us of that other Advani, the buffoon belonging to the anti-Muslim outfit BJP).
Worse, this Chopsticks guy overacts most of the time.
None of the songs had any merit.
As with the story, the folks involved withÂ the music must have worked in an atmosphere of utter pandemonium. Neither the songs nor their picturization evoked any reaction other than that of total contempt.
Chandni Chowk to China is inifinitely worse than we’d feared (after all the nasty reviews).
If our Bollywood clowns think they are going to conquer new territories with garbage such as Chandni Chowk to China, they ought to get their lobotomized heads reexamined (desis constituted 99.99% of the audience).
Folks, if you have any thing at all in your head you won’t waste precious time or money on this disgusting piece of shit masquerading as a movie.
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