Folks, if you are the sort that get your jollies by sacrificing yourself on the altar of crappy Bollywood films by all means watch this garbage called Kurbaan.
For 2 hours and 40 minutes, we looked hard for any redeeming elements in Kurbaan but came a cropper.
Zilch. Nada. Nichts.
Centered around a bunch of Muslim terrorists plotting a terror attack in the U.S., Kurbaan is not merely a no-thrills non-thriller but overall a piece of amateurish shit that has no business being released in theaters anywhere.
The Short of It
Take the worst elements of Bollywood movies like Fanaa and New York, deduct all the thrills from Hollywood films like Arlington Road, throw in that anorexic, worthless actress Kareena Kapoor, add that one-expression-all-through-the-movie Saif Ali Khan and bring in the constipated maid-fucker Om Puri, voila, there you have this vile trash a.k.a. Kurbaan.
Hey, if there’s any remotely credible act of terrorism in Kurbaan, it’s what Karan Johar (credited with this sophomoric story) and the lobotomized cast of this junk unleash on unsuspecting members of the audience.
An Adharma Production
Peppered with cliched dialogs (did you think of me last night, are you afraid of your feelings for me), infested with badass actors (foremost among them Kareena Kapoor) and littered with illogical elements (far too many, hello, has anyone heard of 911), Kurbaan is an unforgivable, insufferable act of adharma (injustice).
Hoping to capitalize on the current global obsession with Islamic terrorism, Kurbaan producer Karan Johar and his underlings foist upon us a Faustian bargain – You give us $8.50 and we’ll give you a bunch of angry Muslims spewing venom at the Great Satan and plotting destruction of its citizens and top it off with with a skinshow of the heroine.
Writing a gripping story is no walk in the park.
But Karan Johar, the author of this infantile production, is blissfully unaware of his limitation and cruelly fobs us off with this clumsily inept excuse of a story with gaping logic holes.
God Exists: Trashy Kurbaan Trashed at Box Office
No sooner does the paths of the comely professor of psychology Avantika Ahuja, and Ehsaan Khan, a new professor at the same college, collide on a Delhi road than cupid follows close behind in a most contrived romance. Before you can say Shaadi, the two have gotten married and jetted off to New York, where Avantika, an American citizen, worked previously.
No matter that universities across the U.S. are currently facing widespread budgetary cuts and teachers are being laid off, Ehsaan (Saif Ali Khan) gets a job immediately to teach a course on Islam and the West.
Barely have they settled down in their new home in an Indian neighborhood when the Muslim neighbors come calling.
Soon Avantika stumbles upon a body in the basement, a Muslim suicide bomber destroys an Iraq-bound plane including a journalist Rehanna (played by the hopeless wannabe actress Dia Mirza) and the happy days are over.
Silly meets stupid now when Rehanna’s bent-upon-revenge boyfriend Riyaz (Vivek Oberoi) discovers a clue to the bombers but refuses to bring in the police or the FBI.
“If we tell the police, we’ll lose the lead….I want to deal with her killers,” Riyaz says with a straight face. Ha ha ha.
We briefly get to see the FBI before they disappear from our view. Oh well, why do we need the FBI when we have a jackass actor like Vivek Oberoi following people in a gray Ford.
Or have the Feds outsourced yet another job to the Coolies?
You Call This Acting
Among the many vexing elements in Kurbaan, intolerably bad acting by the key players really got our goat.
Saif Ali Khan sleepwalks through his role, while Kareena Kapoor is completely inadequate to the task of acting in a kindergarten’s Annual-Day production.
Whether in the early romantic scenes, in the ‘pregnant’ middle scenes after she becomes aware of the deadly designs of the plotters or the final bloody scenes on the subway, Kareena Kapoor is a fatuous freakshow equalled only by that 2050 nightmare Priyanka Chopra.
Perhaps aware of Kareena’s acting limitation, director Renzil D’Silva takes the easy way out by stripping the clothes off her back and for good measure Saif Ali Khan’s front and flings them both on a bed.
Ah, if such tawdry antics could work miracles we’d have no need for the Saifeenas.
By the way, Kareena in-a-black-nightie-with her tiny titties straining to escape their constraints was so unseductive we bet you’d get a bigger rise by looking at a picture of Nirupa Roy.
Vivek Oberoi proves yet again why he’s been consigned to the dustheap of Bollywood for the last few years. In his anger over the death of his fiancee, in his attempt to infiltrate the terrorists’ lair and in the dying moments of the movie on the subway, Oberoi is most unconvincing.
Post-Kurbaan, it’s likely Oberoi’s only claim to fame will be as a footnote in Aishwarya Rai’s life.
No Redeeming Elements
No, music ain’t the salvation of this junk. None of the songs left a mark.
It’s hard to make a movie without any redeeming elements.
But director D’Silva and producer Johar have outdone themselves in this bizarrely unwatchable crap-show.
Guys, Kurbaan is one Bollywood movie that goes down on its knees begging you to extend it the middle finger.
Watch this garbage only if you lotsa moolah and dollops of time to squander on the lamebrain creation of a cavalcade of idiots.
Sometimes our wishes and Allah’s will may not be the same, laments Saif Ali Khan in the movie as a semi-naked Kareena is all over him.
How true, how true.
Suckers, if you go to Kurbaan expecting some entertainment, be aware that Allah has already decided that you are the sacrificial lamb on which the guillotine shall fall.
Bottom line, Kurbaan is all lows and no highs.
God Exists: Trashy Kurbaan Trashed at Box Office