1. Alcohol Enemas – The rest of the world has to be content with just water-enemas. But here in American hardly-working students ever on the search for a new high are resorting to Alcohol Enemas. If you want to know what an Alcohol Enema is, it means shoving a tube in your asshole and pumping alcohol up your ass. Just the other day, a University of Tennessee student was admitted to hospital with injuries to his rectum and a blood alcohol level of 0.448 (six-times the intoxication level for drunken driving). For details on Alcohol Enemas, visit: http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/U/US_ALCOHOL_ENEMA?SITE=AP&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT&CTIME=2012-09-29-18-30-23
2. Evolution is Nonsense – Tens of millions of Americans believe Evolution is all nonsense and just a fancy theory. Science is bunkum!
3. A Gun for Every One – Guns kill, kill and kill horrifically. Yet only 26% of Americans support a ban on handguns. Yea, Americans own 310 million guns (this excludes the military stuff). Isn’t that wonderful? One gun for every American. We now have 5,400 licensed firearms manufacturers. For $75 or less, you can be the next punk-ass owner of a handgun. Bang! Bang!
4. Telugus Cleaning Toilets – Only in America will those wonderful shitizens of the Indian state known as Andhra Pradesh smilingly clean toilets in pizza stores and pump gas. Such is the desperation of Telugu biddas to call America home.
5. Tea Party Grassroots Fiction – The greatest fiction of the last few hundred years is the oft-repeated statement that the Tea Party revolt is a natural, grassroots movement. Such is the power of this extraordinary fiction that not only tens of millions of Americans but the rest of the world has no clue that the Tea Party was created by right-wing billionaires and their well-funded lobbying groups. The second great work of fiction is the American doctrine that corporations are people. I am NOT kidding!
6. Anti-People Party has Solid People Support – Only in this great land does nearly 50% of the population support a political party (Republican Party) that hates the average American and wishes them nothing but ill.
7. Coupons for Ass-Cleansing – Who needs coupons for buying a PC or the latest video-game. Gimme a coupon for cleaning my backside. By the way, we call it Colon Hydrotherapy here. So much better sounding than its real name – Ass-wash!
8. Fear of European Socialism – Thanks to the remarkably successful campaign by the right-wing and their supporters in the Murdoch media, tens of millions live in eternal fear that America is marching toward European style Socialism (i.e. the conditions in European countries where people lead longer, healthier and happier lives). Knowledge is evil!
9. Nuvve Na Pisachi and Rebel – Thank God for Bollywood, Kollywood and, above all, Tollywood. Now desis in America can watch the top Indian weirdos like Allu Arjun, Tamanna Bhatia, Ajith and, my personal favorite, Abhishek Bachchan on the big screen hours before the people in Mera Bharat Mahaan (Incredible India). Except for the good films like Gangs of Wasseypur, every crappy Indian film now releases in dozens of theatres in America.
10. Drone, America’s new Toy – This one has joysticks too, just like the video-game your seven-year-old brother is addicted to. Except that the Drone has the power to let someone sitting in a Virginia cubicle send someone standing in an Afghanistan compound to his tryst with 64 virgins. So cool!
Don’t you all wish you were in America so that you too could shove Kingfisher or TajMahal Beer up your backside as you shout Cheers!