How to Market Smartphones to Hanumans

Selling electronic gadgets to Hanumans scampering down from coconut trees, mango trees, neem trees, guava trees, palm trees, jack-fruit trees and a thousand other kinds of Indian trees is not an easy task.

Not some thing your ivy league MBA types can even dream of handling.

You see, selling smartphones to a nation of 1.2 billion Hanumans requires familiarity not with Marketing 2.0 but extensive knowledge of Marketing 0.2.

Unfortunately, Marketing 0.2 is not listed as a course taught at any of the management schools.

No sweat. It can easily be learned by watching a troupe of Hanumans (monkeys) performing their simian antics.

Tawdry, Tacky, Trashy

When South Korean electronics giant Samsung launched its new Galaxy S4 smartphone in partnership with its Indian partner Reliance Digital in Mumbai, it rightly eschewed the slick, classy show for the downright tawdry, tacky and trashy.

After all, India’s 1.2 billion Hanumans have demonstrated time and again in their abiding passion for the Bollywood, Tollywood and Kollywood horror shows that nothing resonates better with them than the tawdry, tacky and trashy from the bottom of the gutter.

iPhone has a low market-share in India compared to the U.S. or Europe not because it costs a lot.

Au contraire, the real reason behind iPhone’s low market share in India is that Apple deludes itself that it’s selling the smartphone to humans in India.

Samsung, Nokia and the Chinese smartphone peddlers are smart enough to realize otherwise.

Any surprise that Samsung’s market share for smartphones in India is 43.1%, leaving its main global rival Apple kissing the dust with an insignificant presence.

If Apple has to have any hope of gaining market-share for its popular iPhone 5 in Mera Bharat Mahaan, it needs to pronto hire a bunch of hijras, snake-charmers and a gaggle of clowns from Bollywood, Tollywood and Kollywood and get them all together on one stage to scream iPhone 5 in unison at five-second intervals to the tune of Michael Jackson’s Billie Jean or better still the hideous Dhadang Dhadang number from Akshay Kumar’s vomit-inducing Rowdy Rathore.

6 Responses to "How to Market Smartphones to Hanumans"

  1. MadAtBollywood   April 30, 2013 at 12:44 pm

    That video clip was embarrassing!

    Our desi bozos in the movie industry and also TV commercials and TV serials will have a special place reserved in hell for tormenting us like this. Responds:

    It’s the equivalent of an Abhishek Bachchan movie! 😉

    So awful!

    Just in case you were not aware, that thing in the video is Bollywood hero Ranveer Singh of Band Baaja Baaraat fame!.

  2. Madmax673   April 30, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    Embarrassing video 🙁

    How about for the Kollywood version remixing your favorite song “Jillu Jillu Gullu Gullu…charming iPhone five five” with Power Star & Trisha?

    Forget iOS. I have hardly seen anyone in my circle in India using Mac OS. Even during my last visit I never happened to see an apple notebook or desktop and it wasn’t too long ago.

    Looks like it’s just been 6 months since even iTunes launched there. When one of my friends told me he was using iPhone, I was wondering how he activated it without iTunes. I guess it had to do with some duty paid stores unlocking whatever it is. I don’t know.

    Also while I am writing this, I bumped into this info.

    BTW, “Power Star” might not be the right choice for the remix ATM, after all.

    Can’t think of any other suitable lead for Trisha Krishnan. Responds:

    1. We should sue Apple…from your first link I notice that they’re selling songs for Rs 7 in India but charge us anywhere from 99-cents to $1.29 (Rs 54-Rs 69). 🙁

    Speaking of Apple, the LCD screen on my Mac went phut recently. Thanks to AppleCare warranty (extra $149 to cost of PC), I got a new LCD screen without any out-of-pocket cost…otherwise I’d have been out $600. 🙁

    2. Forbes (your second link) is wrong on iPhone apps…there are a gazillion India-focused apps.

    Including stuff like Suprabatham (the disturbing cacophony floating out of South Indian Hindu temples every morning)

    3. I’ve always thought Vishal is the best co-star for Trisha since he’s as supremely incompetent as the lady in the acting domain.

    4. Anyone watching Jillu Jillu Gullu Gullu will have little doubt that Sivakumar still lives on trees and bananas are his favorite food. 😉

    5. My sense is that Apple was so elated at the market response to its iPhone/iPod/iPad/Mac in the U.S. and the West, it neglected India (not a small market with 1.2 billion Hanumans). Now it’s going to be very hard with Samsung, Nokia and the Chinese players well entrenched there.

    • Madmax673   April 30, 2013 at 11:03 pm

      While we are able to speculate/predict the Samsung Galaxy S4 domination over iPhone, how come an educated Telecommunications & IT central minister failed to predict the growth of iPhone while it was launched in 2007?

      Dayanithi Maran is not a moron! A spoiled educated brat from Loyola who got his ass kicked by the principal for his misbehavior.

      But during that time he was busy coercing/”arm-twisting” Sivasankaran to sell his stakes to the Malaysian Tycoon (Aircel/Maxis Communications deal) out of which his family had gotten more than $$100 million! A huge sum that it would by itself have taken care of the poverty & educational issues in TN Govt.

      Not only that, this scumbag has used more than 300 connections from BSNL for his personal use. At that point when everyone were talking about 2G scam I didn’t clearly understand the impact it caused to the Indian people.

      But now I realize as whenever I call my family (who use BSNL) I am unable to speak clearly without using a bunch of swear words. And they end up calling me.

      However, it was around 2010/11 iPhone sales sky rocketed and by that time the 2G spectrum scandal was history and the ugly corrupt face of incredible India was known to everyone. Not to mention — Steve Jobs knew his destiny. And he is a blessed soul to not have collaborated or dealt with someone like Andimuthu Raja before his death. It would’ve been a sin!

      I’m able to hear Raja bawling at the Maran brothers. “Kaasellam unakku…Case mattum enakka!”? (Cash for you, case for me, eh?) Responds:

      With a useful buffoon like Manmohan Singh at the helm, I doubt anyone will pay a price for the Telecom or any of the other scams.

      Not even A.Raja. We have to be grateful that he spent 15 months in Tihar Jail.

      If Indian voters have any sense they will boot out the Congress in the coming elections as the fitting punishment for the 2G Telecom scam and countless other scams.

      If Congress wins, that blithering idiot Rahul Gandhi – the Abhishek Bachchan of Indian politics – will become Prime Minister! Rahul Gandhi is such a shameless chutiya that he cozied up to the Bollywood murderer Salman Khan at the actor’s residence in Mumbai. 🙁

      But the sad part is that the BJP swines are no better as the Tehelka sting proved a few years back.

  3. vedagiris   April 30, 2013 at 10:05 pm

    Distressing. Frustrating. How these arrogant, talentless, racist, guys act like this. Samsung has started behaving stupidly and are following the way of yesteryear market leaders, Nokia.

    Better, Apple keep out of garbage like this.

    By this time of writing, arrest of casteist leader, Dr. Ramadoss in Tamilnadu on orders from High Court, has enabled his mad followers to set a public bus on fire and also involved in lot of glass shattering incidents on other public buses.

    When this People have no issues to work out, they start out caste issue. And because of these, many people have to live in fear and cannot communicate with people from same village or town or city, due to fear and mistrust.

    I think one belligerent caste from western Tamilnadu and another one from Southern Tamilnadu will be keenly watching this and will be preparing plans to usurp public.

    When these atrocities will end? Responds:

    1. These arrests of leaders like Ramadoss are nothing but PubliShitty stunts. Only when they are thrown in with the general population in prison will it mean anything.

    Dr. Ramadoss told [the police] that since party cadres were awaiting him at the railway junction he would like to go over there and get arrested. Accordingly the police let the convoy reach the junction and no sooner did the leaders arrive at the venue, the police directed them to board the vehicles kept ready there.


    2. I thought education would end people’s foolish faith in religion, casteism etc.

    Alas, No!

    Even in the U.S., you should see all these Christian whackos getting their panties in a twist over abortion, gay marriage etc.

    It beats me as to why anyone should care into which hole the neighbor dips his beak or if a woman wishes to get rid of her fetus.

  4. Naveen   May 5, 2013 at 10:50 pm

    Nothing new but an interesting read… Responds:

    1. I agree with much of the above piece. Manmohan Singh proved himself utterly incapable of providing an effective administration.

    I suspect Sonia kept Manmohan Singh in the chair for two reasons: a) He’s not a Hindu. b) He has no political base and ergo no threat to the “Royal Family.”

    2. But I see no salvation from the BJP either. They’re as devilish as the crooks in the Congress-led United Progressive Alliance.

    The BJP tamasha in Karnataka over the last five years will bring back the Congress (at least that’s what the exit polls tell us).

    • Naveen   May 6, 2013 at 1:28 am

      Congress has been in power for 50+ years out of the 66 that India have been independent.

      I think there is not a single political party that is remotely clean or worthy but atleast for the sake of change it could be worth giving BJP another shot at power with the need for a coalition.

      Maybe they have a couple of good guys who can do a few good things.

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