SI Reads the Quran – 2; Poke Your Wife Any Way You Wish, Allah Has No Objections

Statutory Warning: All Religions are Equally Stupid

Holy cow, what are you saying?

Are my eyes playing tricks on me?

SI, are you really saying God (Allah) has given me the green light to screw my wife any which way I fancy.

Indeed, children.

Bet you schmucks never thought Allah would be so broadminded, did ya? 😉

Yes, Allah is in some ways.

No kidding, fellas.

Sex and Women
We’ve read 286 Aya (verses) in the Quran so far and will pore over a lot more before our Quranic train reaches its destination.

But it’s safe to say the following will likely be our favorite line from the Quran:

Your wives are your fields, so go into your fields whichever way you like.
– Sura
2, Aya 223

As we understand it, in the above verse Allah is essentially granting Muslim men carte blanche to plow into their wives any which way they choose.

Not for Allah’s acolytes the banality or straitjacket of the missionary pose. 😉


Lest you dolts be tempted to think we’re being flippant, let’s provide some ballast for our point by falling back on the translator’s notes. As Prof Abdel Haleem explains in the footnote to the above (favorite) verse: When the Muslims emigrated to Medina, they heard from the Jews that a child born from a woman approached from behind would have a squint. p.25

You see, the Jews had it all wrong.

Having provided the all-clear sign, God (Allah) stops there for the Quran is no Kama Sutra, the porn pillow of the Hindu chutiyas.

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But if God (Allah) is liberal in his sexual outlook, he’s also restrictive in his sexual commandments, forbidding, for instance, sex when the wife is menstruating:

Menstruation is a painful condition, so keep away from women during it. Do not approach them until they are cleansed; when they are cleansed, you may approach them as God has ordained. – Sura 2, Aya 222

Oh well, those were the pre-Prophylactic days. And we don’t blame God for such quaint notions.

Hey, what are the odds that this diktat is obeyed given the hyper-priapic impulses of men, even Muslim men.

Emancipated God
Seriously, Allah was an emancipated God.

Ahead of the times (7th Century AD), in many respects.

Take for instance divorce.

Unlike the restrictive covenants in the caste-fouled Hinduism, Allah was generous and liberal towards women.

Divorced women could remarry after three months (Sura 2, aya 228) and were entitled to ‘fair’ maintenance as well (Sura 2, Aya 241).

Hear that Shah Bano!

Again, unlike the horrible time endured by countless Hindus widows Allah decreed that Muslim widows could remarry after waiting for four months and ten days. Bravo.

Today’s Discussion
By the way, in this installment we’re discussing Sura (sections) 1 and 2 (the longest) of the Quran.

These two Suras, particularly, the second, cover vast ground. as we’ve seen above.

From menstruation to sex to divorce to prayer, it seems Allah left few topics uncovered in his message to Muhammed. And we still have 112 Sura (sections) to go.

By the way, Haleem’s version does not use the word Allah but God although our Indian Mussulman Yusuf Ali’s version of the Quran employs the word Allah.

Giddyap, now!

Hey, did we hear someone yell giddyap?

OK, here we go.

Hold tight fellas, for the road ahead is riddled with potholes, a very rough road hereafter.

Deadly Verse
As with all religions that invariably claim their gospel is superior to all others or the sole hope for mankind, Quran does the same for Islam sowing the seeds for undying enmity with the Jews and Christians (and later the Hindus).

The following verse leaves no doubt. None at all.

Your God is the one God: there is no god except Him, The Lord of Mercy, the Giver of Mercy. (Sura 2, Aya 163)

With such a strong, provocative verse, is it any surprise then that the foundation for Islam’s inevitable clash with Christians and Jews is laid in this Sura.

The Jews and Christians will never be pleased with you unless you follow their ways. Say, ‘God’s guidance is the only true guidance.’ If you were to follow their desires after the knowledge that has come to you, you would find no one to protect you from God or help you. (Sura 2, Aya 120)

Again, strong, unambiguous words setting the stage for sanguinary battles with other religions.

Chronicles of the the clash of civilizations foretold?

Non-Religious Focus
For a holy book, the Quran devotes considerable space to a lot of non-religious stuff.

Things like debt, charity, business, usury, orphans et al find a place in the holy book.

For instance, the Quran forbids usury in clear terms and also highlights the importance of written contracts with witnesses for debts.

God has allowed trade but forbidden usury. Whoever, on receiving God’s warning, stops taking usury may keep his past gains – God will be his judge  – but whoever goes back to usury will be an inhabitant of the Fire there to remain. God blights usury but blesses charitable deeds. (Sura 2, Aya 276)

Ever Threatening, Ever Merciful, Ever Powerful
Three refrains stand out all through Sura 1 and 2 – the ad infinitum threats God hurls at disbelievers or the disobedient, his ‘merciful’ nature and his all ‘powerful’ quality.

God warns disbelievers of ‘agonizing torment’ and the Fire’ and the ‘plague’ sent down from the heavens.

Beware of the Fire prepared for the disbelievers, whose fuel is men and stones. (Sura 2, Aya 24)

If there’s the stick of the Fire for the disbeliever, there’s also the blandishment of the carrot for the believer:

Give those who believe and do good the news that they will have gardens graced with flowing streams….they are given sustenance from the fruits of these Gardens. (Sura 2, Aya 25)

Opening Words
Before we close this installment, it’d be folly not to mention the opening lines of the Quran, lines that are repeated  at the beginning of every Sura except one:

In the name of God, the Lord of Mercy, the Giver of Mercy

You might more easily recognize the above translation by its Arabic equivalent

b-ismi-llāhi r-raḥmāni r-raḥīm

Indian scholar Yusuf Ali translates the above as:

In the name of God, Most Gracious, Most Merciful

Some Keywords
God – Allah
– Section
Aya – Verse

To be Continued Tomorrow

Related Stories:
SI Reads the Quran – 1; Fasten Your Seat-belts
SI Reads the Quran – 2; Poke Your Wife Any Way You Wish, Allah Has No Objections
SI Reads the Quran -3; Allah No Bra-Burning Feminist
SI Reads the Quran 4 – Allah, Spiritual Father of Stalin
SI Reads the Quran 5; Allah Soft on Pork, Hard on Christians, Jews

6 Responses to "SI Reads the Quran – 2; Poke Your Wife Any Way You Wish, Allah Has No Objections"

  1. Mud Haliar   February 17, 2010 at 9:38 am

    Hilarious 😀

    Kudos to sumu for coining it the SI-tonic verses

    Fatwa’s coming! Responds:

    You write above: Fatwa’s coming!

    Followed by a Padma Lakshmi, we hope. 😉

  2. iamsumu   February 17, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    Thanks Mud Haliar,

    I’m guessing the local liquor store in your city is probably raking it in, considering the amt of booze needed to read a book which was “revealed” and not “written” haha.

    However the prophet did that that “fields verse” quite literally and converted half of Mecca into family of some sort. This series does have the look of moving from a Mani Ratnam opus to Radhika mega serial types 🙂 Responds:

    Ha ha ha. Mani Ratnam is as close to opus as the Opus Dei whackos are to Jesus, ahem, the ‘Virgin’s’ Son. 😉

    Since we’ve been spared Rail-Radhika’s serials, we’ll refrain (with difficulty) from responding to your jab.

  3. boopalanj   February 19, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    Heard that Jesus also takes part in Islam, but with a different name. That is, Islam accepts the existence of Jesus, but does not accept that he is son of God [as called by Christianity].

    What was the need for any schmuck in ancient history to found religions? Any thoughts? Responds:

    1. Jesus, like Muhammed, was considered a messenger.

    Please see Sura 4, Aya 171:

    Jesus, son of Mary, was nothing more than a messenger of God.

    2. You write: What was the need for any schmuck in ancient history to found religions? Any thoughts?

    What was the need for Ajith and Abhishek Bachchan to ‘act’….What was the need for T.Rajendar to get married…What was the need for Trisha to get into films…What was the need for Namitha to have such big….?

    Bottom line, as the Americans like to say: Shit happens. 😉

    C’est la vie, sweetie.

  4. boopalanj   February 19, 2010 at 2:58 pm

    Since most of the religions were thought, founded, talked, and spread by men, the impact can be seen on its verses / holy books, that they attach a blind-superiority to men over women. Responds:

    The | is mightier than the .

  5. StrYngLad74   February 19, 2010 at 6:37 pm

    Wonder if this piece finds itself in your INCREDIBLE INDIA segment. I think it deserves a mention there. Here’s the synopsis:

    A 64 year old gay professor, Mr. Ramachandra Siras, had his university quarters barged into by students and two local TV channels that captured him on tape having consensual gay sex with another man. It so happens that the university funded this “sting operation” and also suspended the professor. In doing so, the university violated the professor’s privacy, the HC court ruling from 2009 decriminalizing homosexuality, and the Indian constitution. It is unfortunate that the support for this man is underwhelming at best. It has been reported in the TOI newspaper, not as a top story, but something that could be relegated to the 5th or 6th page and neither NDTV nor CNN-IBN has printed this news on their website.

    I wonder if secular sensibilities can be THIS polarized. The nation’s entire media network stood by the ‘Pak-loving chutia’ SRK against Shiv Sena, and yet, it cannot do its part in protecting an old man and as a result, upholding a recent law that went into force (that it strongly supported when it was announced). I can only construe this act as sheer cowardice by the media that refuses to trample upon the homophobia in this case. Why do I construe this so, you ask? The name of the university happens to be ALIGARH MUSLIM UNIVERSITY.

    Hoorah for pseudo-secularism!!

    Here’s the link: Responds:


    Incredible India 41; Sick F*cks at Aligarh Muslim Univ Bugger Gay Don for Consensual Buggery

  6. rama dasa   March 6, 2011 at 10:05 pm

    just an FYI,the arabic word for jesus is “isha”…..the sanskrit word for shiva in some puranas is also”Isha”(controller)…….

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