And all ye schmucks thought bad movies have their origins only in the Kollywood sewers or the talentless, thieving Bollywood yokels.
Ha ha, shows how little you twits know.
Here Comes the Eclipse
With the frenzy of the new the Twilight movie Eclipse nigh upon us, we were curious as hell to see what the hullabaloo and the shrieks and the excitement was all about.
So we braved the scorching mid-Atlantic heat yesterday and headed to our neighboring RedBox movie rental kiosk for the $1 DVD of The Twilight Saga – New Moon, the previous installment in the Twilight saga.
We never thought we’d say this but even an Abhishek Bachchan movie is a gazillion times better than this New Moon rubbish.
Our utter disappointment with the film may partially be attributed to the absence of a strong notion of werewolves and vampires in the Indian popular culture.
Werewolves and vampires are a Western, if not completely American, thing and it’s hard for an Indian mind to get a hard-on over films featuring them. If you want an analogy, it’s kinda like the Hindu monkeys in India jumping up and down over the Ramayan TV series in the 1980s. The empty, silent roads on Sunday mornings when the Ramayan aired must have been pretty baffling to all others.
That said, even a film with vampires and werewolves may perhaps be made somewhat appealing to non-American viewers, albeit to a much lesser degree than with Americans, with an interesting, gripping story.
Alas, a decent, interesting story is precisely what Twilight Saga – New Moon most definitely lacks.
In its essence, Twilight Saga – New Moon is the boring, horribly written account of a 18-year-old girl loved by both a vampire and a werewolf and her obsessive love for one of them.
A love that takes a weird form after she gets jilted by the one she loves.
Folks, that’s all there’s to this 130-minute junk.
The rest of the movie is mere fluff.
Driving around in the pickup, the school, the visit to the movie, the boys cliff-diving into the water and other frivolous stuff.
As with our Bollywood films, love in Twilight Saga – New Moon is so center-stage that there’s little room for anything else. The perfect recipe for a boring film.
Bella Swan, the young girl, is played by Kristen Stewart; the pale-faced vampire character Edward Cullen by Robert Pattinson and the werewolf Jacob Black by the shirtless, rippling biceps endowed Taylor Lautner.
We didn’t think any of them did a stellar job.
Really, would it have made a difference even had they done a stupendous job given the crappy story.
In the emoting department, Kristen Stewart was the worst.
Think of Kristen Stewart as the Hollywood version of that Bollywood clown Priyanka Chopra or that South Indian nightmare Trisha Krishnan.
The overwhelming passion that Bella supposedly feels (remember the body-wracking sobs in the middle of the night that has her father worried) for her lover just doesn’t flow through on the screen.
Fair to say the girl is like a zombie.
As for the computer graphics of the wolves and their occasional fights, they were alright but nothing that’d make you go ‘wow.’
The photography of some of the scenes in the woods was pleasing.
But overall, the movie is a yawn.
Make that a lengthy, dragging yawn.
Not worth even the $1 we paid to rent the RedBox DVD. 🙁
Baby, Crap Sells Everywhere
And to all those who are agitated over the huge openings for our crappy Bollywood films, we say – Take Heart. New Moon is said to have grossed $72.7 million on its opening day in the U.S., the biggest single-day opening in America, ahead of even The Dark Knight ($67.2 million).
Who said we have schmucks only in India.
Twilight Saga: Eclipse Review – Boring Ménage à Trois