My Tryst with 72-Virgins by Osama bin Laden

Fellow Jihadis, our generous Pakistani benefactors πŸ˜‰ and my countless acolytes, a few short hours ago after recklessly thrusting my head and chest into the path of two American bullets I boarded a stealth, radar-evading CH-47 Chinook helicopter at Abbottabad in the wee hours of the night to embark upon my journey to a new compound.

My departure was hurried and the ride was bumpy.

Unlike the other uniformed passengers in the helicopter I was not wearing a seat-belt since I was lying on the floor with sticky red fluid oozing out of the corner of my left eye and the round hole in my chest.

I was greatly saddened to be traveling without the company of my young wives and countless children (ages 2-34). But I consoled myself with visions of the many pleasures that lay ahead.

After being unceremoniously heaved out of the helicopter at a height of 50,000 feet over the North Arabian Sea, defying gravity I ascended straight to Heaven although I must admit that my hallmark turban fell off during my supersonic journey upward.

Boy, it can get really cold at that height.

Minus my Turban, the guards at Heaven faced some difficulty in confirming my identity but once the sentinels logged on to the FBI Most Wanted web page and looked at my mug, it was all smooth sailing thereafter. The guards quickly called their commander on the new Red iPhone 8. On Earth, you fellas have only Black and White iPhone 4 but here they carry the newer Red, Green and Yellow versions as well. Just one of myriad ways in which Heaven is so different and so advanced compared to Earth.

The commander of the guards, a Caliban-lookalike straight out of that British playwright’s Tempest and wearing a name tag that weirdly said Caliban Khan, arrived in a few minutes with a Green iPhone 8 clipped to his belt.

“Sheikh, welcome to your new permanent home. Here, you’ll have no fear of betrayal, no need to change houses every few months, no worries about your dialysis treatment, no more putting out cassettes every 11-months and no more endless Jihad against America and other enemies of Islam. Only you and your 72 Virgins to fondle and play with as you please,” said the commander in his effusive welcome address bowing repeatedly in my direction.

I nodded graciously as the commander droned on about my many brave deeds on the battlefields of Afghanistan, Sudan, Somalia and Pakistan.

Never mind that the only time I ever held a gun was a toy Kalashnikov in a photo-op. It was my minions, the canon-fodder martyrs who carried out all the bold, reckless, heinous acts and I just earned all the glory thanks to the millions my father bequeathed me and that I then redistributed at $2 a dayΒ to my bedraggled followers in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Indonesia and Jordan.

He quickly offered to drive me to my new compound and I hopped into the plush interiors of a shining car without wheels. Magnetic Levitation, I was told, pushed the car forward.

Thank God, no more camels for me, I muttered sotto voce!

As we were propelled along on a cushion of air, the Caliban commander told me my new compound in Heaven was a sylvan retreat where pure, sweet water flows plentifully, fruits ripe for the picking hang on numerous trees, nearby mountains glisten with white snow, the local Netflix streams unlimited porn movies and 72-Virgins desperately wait to serve me.

I smiled at the description of all the pleasures that awaited me as reward for my countless murders of the infidels around the world.

As we neared my new compound, the temperature started rising and I had to boost the AC in the car.

In a few minutes, we arrived at my new home. Not unlike my last compound in Abbottabad, this one too had 18-feet high walls with barbed wire reinforcements on top.

My Tryst with 72-Virgins
As we stepped out of the car, a blast of hot air hit me in the face.

With a lecherous smile playing on his lips and a sly wink, the Caliban Commander assured me that inside awaited me untold ecstasy in the arms of 72-Virgins, pleasures that Earthlings could only dream of.

72, 72, 72, 72, the numbers kept buzzing in my head as the Caliban Commander took leave of me with another deep bow.

With humility in my heart and hard expectation in my rising member, I opened the room using the magnetic card bearing 72-stripes.

As I swiped the 72-stripe card, I could feel the temperature rising. Sweat dampened my white tunic and drops fell off my dyed beard.

After hearing a click sound, I pushed the door and entered. It was mostly dark and there was a yellow streak of light proclaiming Enter Here for 72-Virgins on the wall just above the door of an adjacent room.

As I walked toward the light, the temperature rose further. “Man, this is worse than Saudi deserts,” I told myself when the door suddenly closed behind me with a loud click.

I entered the second dimly-lit room.

This room was huge, bigger than any other room I’d been in. It had 360-degree fireplaces and a large huge White bed in the center.

Desires rising, I gingerly walked toward the bed.

After just a few steps, I discerned several dark shapes lying on the White Bed. I smacked my lips and my hard member lifted 90-degrees in anticipation of warm lips and soft flesh engulfing it soon.

By now, the heat in the room was rising to uncomfortable levels.

My heart in my mouth and my member straining at the leash, I moved closer to the White Bed.

As I inched closer, the dark shapes on the bed showed signs of activity and started to move.

I moved closer and the objects rose. As did my hard member.

I took a few more steps and then the 360-degree fireplaces around the perimeter of the room turned brighter until it enveloped the room in a strange golden light.

The room was like a furnace by now.

I looked at the White Bed again in expectation of nymph-like forms taking me in their arms.

And then, then, as I beheld the Dark forms on the White bed I let out one long scream. A distressed, fearful wail that echoed thunderously in the large semi-dark room.

A dreadful fear took hold of me and after a gap of 50 years I wet myself.

For standing on the huge pristine White Bed were 72 black pigs.

Each one uglier than the other.

All staring at me with a feral look on their faces.

Together throwing up a filthy smell that shot up my nostrils and came out my backside in an explosive fart.

Suddenly, it dawned on me that that I was certainly not in Heaven.

Then, in unison the 72 snarling Virgin Pigs emitted a giant grunt, jumped off the bed and leaped at me.

My tunic was gone in a second and the Virgin Pigs were pawing me, their stinking snouts and dark, rough tongues exploring the nooks and crevices of my unclothed body.

As I drifted in and out of consciousness, I realized, too late, that my ascent to Heaven was but an illusion and the descent into the everlasting flames of Hell with 72 beastly Virgins as my constant companions was the reality.

Let my sorry 72-Virgins tale be a cautionary lesson to all future Jihadis.

Related Stories:
Osama bin Laden Enjoying with 72 Virgins in Heaven; Barack Obama Wins Second Term

11 Responses to "My Tryst with 72-Virgins by Osama bin Laden"

  1. rama dasa   May 2, 2011 at 6:05 pm

    according to osama’s wikepedia page:

    “Three men and a woman were killed along with Bin Laden. John Brennan, the White House antiterrorism chief, said that the woman was one of bin Laden’s four wives and was being used as a human shield when she was killed”

    I wonder if bin ladens wife got to heaven with 72 MALE virgins to spend eternity with?? Responds:

    Just now (6:35PM ET), CNN said the woman is not his wife. Apparently, Bin Laden’s wife was shot and injured in the calf but not killed.

  2. rama dasa   May 2, 2011 at 8:20 pm

    muslims threaten start world war 3 after pastor threatens to burn koran but dont hesitate to burn bhagavad gita(which hardy any hindus protest) Responds:

    All holy books (whatever be the religion) are unholy and should be flung into the trash because they’re written within the framework of falsehood, i.e. the existence of God.

    • rama dasa   May 2, 2011 at 8:47 pm

      Someone on the internet commented” Hindus dont make good terrorists” and i think that is true in this case. Unfortunately only about 10% of Hindus actually have a sack (arya samaj, iskcon ect.) the rest are a bunch of panty waste’s as a certain cartoon character would say(beavis and butthead)

  3. StrYngLad74   May 2, 2011 at 8:28 pm

    Steve Martin’s take on 72 virgins (from NY Post, 2007) Responds:

    Nice ones.

    BTW, that’s New Yorker not NY Post (a piece of trash). We’re subscribers to the New Yorker (since 2008 or 2009). Good mag.

    • StrYngLad74   May 2, 2011 at 8:57 pm

      My apologies on the error. New Yorker it is.

  4. munish   May 3, 2011 at 12:56 am

    “although i must admit that my hallmark turban fell off during the supersonic journey upward..” Laughed my a*s out on visualising that scene!

  5. vjcool   May 3, 2011 at 12:57 am

    Nice reception in heaven..

  6. vjcool   May 3, 2011 at 8:00 am

    was browsing imdb and stumbled upon ‘Chenkol’ starring Mohanlal, this film is a sequel to ‘Kireedam’ (remade into Gardish and Kreedam[tamil ]) feels like nice movies worth reviewing…. Plz Responds:

    Looks interesting from the Wiki profile.

  7. rakeshbaba   May 3, 2011 at 10:06 am

    After Osama’s death new quote on the Internet is “This is so worrying.. Even terrorists are not safe in Pakistan!! ” Responds:

    Great one.

  8. kreacher   May 3, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    Have you read/watched “The Kite Runner”? Both the movie and the book are quite nice. It walks you through a man’s story in parallel with the degradation of Afghanistan. Responds:


    We are aware of it though. A few years back there was a controversy (around the time of the movie’s release) over the rape scene.

    We’ll watch Kite Runner this evening. It’s on Netflix Instant Play.


    Watched Kite Runner. Here’s the review:

    Kite Runner Review – Swoonworthy Afghan Film

  9. sam   May 9, 2011 at 12:14 am

    Obama is a great leader. It would take a long time for Amercans to realize what a leader he was. He is hardworking as well as intelligence. I am sure none of the others could have had the intelligence and courage to bring down Osama. Till now he has not released and photos of his death to avoid controversy. If u guys wanna believe it, well n gud or I dont care!

    India will always yearn for an Obama but unfortunately won’t get one.. Responds:

    Judas in the White House

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