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Mar 302011

I Want to say Sorry to my nation. We tried our level best.

– Pakistan cricket Captain Shahid Afridi after losing to India in the Semi-Finals in Mohali (Indian Punjab) today.

Bravo, Shahid Afridi! You guys tried hard today.

Mar 302011

I would like to congratulate the Indian team and Misbah for defeating Pakistan comprehensively.
– Source: “Abbas’ from Lahore on

Folks, much as we all may be tempted to slam Pakistan, we’ve to admit that they played a great Match today.

Very Entertaining. Just that the better team (India) won today.

As for Misbah, we think this buffoon, who did not realize the gravity of the situation until it was too late, ought to be kicked out of the Pak team.

Mar 302011

Bollywood may not win honors at any of the major international award festivals, be they Cannes, Oscars or even any of the lesser known festivals.

But make no mistake, Bollywood is well represented when it comes to picking up prizes for stealing scripts, bad acting, the casting couch, adultery, nepotism, drunk driving leading to murder of footpath dwellers, shooting endangered deer, drug addiction, balding pates, terrorist connections and the like.

However, until today Bollywood had one serious shortcoming – India’s Hindi film industry never had a convicted rapist of their own. All their rapists were only in the filums.

Voila, today Bollywood can proudly take pride in its first convicted Rapist. Continue reading »

Mar 302011

Allah-o-Akbar – India Beats Pakistan

Just a few minutes to go before the crucial India vs Pakistan Terroristan semi-final match starts at Mohali.

The winner of today’s match will meet Sri Lanka in the finals on April 2 at the Wankhede Stadium in Mumbai.

We hope the Indian players put out their best game and are not swayed by any extraneous offers from bookies or other vested interests.

The Indian National Anthem is playing. How much more melodious compared to the cacophonous Pak anthem.

We see Sonia Gandhi, Rahul Gandhi, their poodle Manmohan Singh and Bollywood actorAamir Khan in the stadium.

Manmohan Singh and Pakistan Prime Minister Yousaf Raza Gillani are greeting the players.

India won the toss and opted to bat.

Big crowd!

Final Scores

India 260-9

Pakistan 231-10

Sachin Tendulkar – Man of the Match

Pakistan Batting

1:20PM ET – Mumbai, here we come for the World Cup Finals.

1:16PM ET – Allah-o-Akbar. Mera Bharat Mahan Wins. Pakistan 231-10. Misbah c Kohli b Zaheer Khan

1:12PM ET – Last over of Match & Pak Needs 30 Runs. But Allah is with India. Have no fear, guys.

1:07PM ET – 2 overs left. 37 Runs Needed off 12 Balls

12:59PM ET – We see our Manmohan Singh & a mournful looking Pakistan Prime Minister Yousaf Raza Gillani. Pak 210-9 in 47 overs.

12:57PM ET – Which Schmuck said Sachin Tendulkar does not play Match-Winning Knocks in the World Cup? ;)

12:55PM ET – Allah-o-Akbar Umar Gul lbw Ashish Nehra Pak 208-9

12:54PM – We’re desperate for some Cooold Beer. Get it over quickly, fellas. Pak 208-8. 53 Runs needed in 24 balls

12:48PM ET – Victory is now Certain for Mera Bharat Mahan.

12:47PM – Pakistan 200-8

12:45AM ET - Allah-o-Akbar Wahab Riaz c Sachin Tendulkar b Ashish Nehra Pak 199-8

12:40PM ET – Just 6 Overs stands between us & Beer. ;) Pak 199-7

12:35PM ET – Pak 192-7 & just 7 overs left. Pak needs 69 Runs from 42 balls

12:28PM ET – India on Threshold of Fine Victory. :P Pakistan 184-7 after 42 overs

12:27AM ET – Allah-o-Akbar Singh is King. Shahid Afridi c Sehwag b Harbajan Pakistan 184-7

12:22AM ET – Pak 181-6 after 41 overs

12:18PM ET – 10 overs left & Pak 177-6

12:16PM ET – Shahid Alfridi survives close call (a low catch by Nehra) Pak 175-6

12:11AM ET – Is Victory in Sight for Mera Bharat Mahaan? Pak 168-6 after 39 overs.

12:08AM ET – Yuvraj is getting too too Expensive. :( Take him off. 11 Runs in his latest over. Pak 163-6 after 38 overs.

12:05AM ET – Inshallah, India will enter the World Cup Final.

12:04AM ET – Pak 152-6 after 37 overs.

12:00PM – Pak captain Shahid Afridi walks in.

11:59AM ET – Allah-o-Akbar Abdul Razzaq b Munaf Patel. Pakistan 150-6 in 36.2 overs

11:56AM ET – Soniaji & Rahul Bhaiya still in pavilion.

11:44 AM ET – Allah-o-Akbar. Singh is King. Umar Akmal out  b Harbajan Pak 142-5

11:40AM ET – Good Boy, Munaf Patel. :P Just 1 Run from his last over. Pak 142-4 after 33 overs.

11:35AM ET – Take Yuvraj off. 21 Runs in his last 2 overs. :(

11:33AM ET – Yuvraj is proving expensive :( Conceding too many Sixes and Fours

11:30AM ET – Decent bowling by Ashish Nehra. Pak  132-4 after 31 overs

11:26AM ET – Costly over from Yuvraj. One Six, One Boundary, 2 Singles, Pak 130-4 after 30 overs :(

11:18AM ET – Run Out chance missed. :( Umar Akmal would have been in pavilion by now. :( Culprit Yuvraj

11:14AM ET – After 27 overs, Pak Run Rate 4.15 Required Run Rate 6.48

11:11AM ET – Merciful Allah smiling on India :P

11:07AM ET – Allah-o-Akbar Younus Khan’t Out c Raina b Yuvraj Pak 106-4

11:06AM ET – Pak 106-3 after 25 overs

11:00AM ET – Misbah Walks in.

10:59AM ET – Allah-o-Akbar. Asad Shafiq (30) Out b Yuvraj Pak 103-3in 23.5 overs. Required Run Rate 6.04 Singh.

10:55AM ET – Pak 100-2 after 23 overs

10:40AM ET – After 19 overs, Pak 84-2

10:32AM ET – Pak 77-2 after 17 overs

10:22AM ET – Allah-o-Akbar. Hafeez Out c Dhoni b Munaf Patel  Pak 70-2 in 15.3 overs Younus Khan walks in

****10:20AM ET – Our commentators are pathetic. Everyone is a “great player” or has a “great temperament” Folks, is there no cricket player with a bad temperament. :(

10:16AM ET – Sweet! Maiden over from Munaf Patel. Pak 63-1 after 14 overs

10:12AM ET – We can’t afford misfielding in this match (like Harbajan in his 13th over) Pak 63-1 after 13 overs

9:56AM ET – Allah-o-Akbar! Kamran Akmal c Yuvraj Singh b Zaheer Khan- Pak 44-1 after 9 overs. Asad Shafiq walks in

9:53 AM ET – Without a quick wicket, things could get ugly if we allow these two (Kamran Akmal & Mohd Hafeez) to dig in further.

9:52 AM ET – Steady Progress. Pak 43-0 in 8 overs

9:38AM ET – Nice over from Munaf. Just 2 runs. Pak 28-0 after 5 overs

9:29AM ET – Not Happy. Three Boundaries in Three Overs. :( Pak 20-0 after 3 overs

**** 9:24AM ET – Really, Really Tired of All these Stupid Matrimony Ads. Couldn’t Willow get some other Ad? :(

9:19AM ET – Not good. 8 Runs off first over.

9:16AM ET – Pak (Kamran Akmal) opens innings with boundary. :(

9:15AM ET – Kamran Akmal & Mohammed Hafeez walk in. Zaheer Khan is India’s opening bowler.

India Batting

8:51AM – Indian innings ends at 260-9. Not a Great Score.

8:50AM ET – Slow f*ck Ashis Nehra Run Out

8:47AM ET -Zaheer Khan Out c Kamran Akmal b Wahab Riaz . 5th wicket for Wahab Riaz India 256-8

8:46 AM ET – Final Over.

8:44AM ET – India 256-7  after 49 overs

8:31 AM ET – Singh is NOT King. Harbajan Singh Out c Kamran Akmal b Saeed Ajmal  India 236-7 after 46.4 overs. Zaheer Khan walks in.

8:26AM ET – We love Umar Gul Great Figures – 7 Overs 59 Runs Zero Wickets. :P Boundary by Harbajan. India 235-6 after 46 overs

8:23AM ET – Nice to see two boundaries, both by Raina punishing Umar Guil :P

8:16AM ET – India Struggling. 221-6 after 45 overs. Some crumbs by way of Harbajan’s boundary in the last (45th) over.

8:06AM ET – Epic Tragedy unfolding at Mohali

8:00AM ET – India F*CKED! MS Dhoni lbw Wahab Riaz India 205-6

7:56AM ET – Disappointed! India is playing defense now while Pak is playing offense. India 203-5  after 41 overs

7:53AM ET – India 200-5 after 40 overs. Not good.

7:51 AM ET – Outlook looks gloomy for India.

7:44AM ET – Will India even Reach 250?? Curse us as Cassandra, but we have our doubts.

7:41AM ET – INDIA SCREWED. Sachin’s Run of Good Luck Ends. Sachin (85) c Shahid b Saeed Ajmal India 187-5 after 37 overs. Suresh Raina walks in.

7:36AM ET – Shahid Alfridi must be in tears. Sachin dropped again. This time by Umar Akmal

7:23AM ET – After 33 overs, India 173-4

****7:15AM ET – Willow TV Still DOWN. C*NTS

****7:12AM ET – Willow TV down for second time today. Bastards

7:10AM ET – If Tendulkar goes, we’re switching off our TV. MS Dhoni does not seem to be in great form.

7:05AM ET – Thank You, Pakistan for Bad Fielding. :P India 160-4 after 28 overs

7:01AM WET – After 27 overs, India 150-4

6:58AM ET – Not looking Good. India 145-4

6:54AM ET – F*CK! Yuvraj bowled Wahab Riaz. India 141-4. Indian captain M.S.Dhoni walks in. Great over from Wahab Riaz

6:48AM ET – Collapse? Virat Kohli Out c Umar Akmal b Wahab Riaz India 141-3 Yuvraj Singh walks in.

6:40AM ET – Sachin on 56. India 130-2 after 22 overs

6:38AM ET – How long can Sachin be lucky? Survived 4 close shaves so far. LBW, Stumping, 2 missed catches

6:35AM ET – Sachin dropped Again. This time by Younus Khan. Shahid Alfridi pays the price for the second time. India 119-2 after 20 overs

6:30AMET – SAD. Gautam Gambhir gone stumped Kamran Akmal b  Mohammed Hafeez. India 116-2. Run Rate 6.16. Virat Kohli walks in.

6:28AM ET – India Marching at a Steady Trot.  114-1. Nice boundary by Sachin in the last over (18th) off Shahid Alfridi.

6:21AM ET – India 102-1 after 16 overs. Run Rate 6.38

6:10AM ET – Sachin survives another close shave. Dropped catch by Misbah off Shahid Alfridi’s bowling. India 90-1 after 14 overs.

6:06AM ET – Run Rate 6.58

6:01AM ET – STRESSFUL! OMG, the 11th over was so stressful. India 76-1

5:58AM ET – Phew! Phew! Sachin Survives stumping Appeal

5:56AM ET – Phew! Sachin Survives lbw appeal after he asked for Review!  He was initially given out by the UmpireIndia 75-1

5:46AM ET – Four Boundaries so far from by Cricket’s Living Legend. India 65-1 after 8 overs

****5:41AM ET -Too many frigging ads :(

5:40AM ET – India 57-1 after 7 overs.

5:33AM ET – India can’t afford to lose wickets this early. Left-hand batsman Gautam Gambhir walks in.

5:32AM ET – DISASTER. Sehwag (38 runs from 25 balls) lbw Wahab Riaz India 48-1 :(

5:28AM ET – India 47-0 after 5 overs.

5:21AM ET – Sehwag on Rampage. Boundaries from Sehwag & Sachin in 4th over! India 39-0 after 4 overs.

5:20AM ET – Embarras de richesse. Five Boundaries in 3rd over, all from Virender Sehwag. India 27-0

5:17AM ET – And a fifth.

5:16AM ET – OMG, 4th Boundary of over from Sehwag. Too good to be true. :P

5:15AM ET – Wonderful. 3rd Boundary of over from Sehwag. :P

5:13:AM ET – Love It. Consecutive Boundaries by Sehwag. :P Umar Gul pays the price.

5:09AM ET – Sachin on strike. Just a single

5:03AM ET -Virender Sehwag opens account for India with fine boundary.

5:00AM ET – Sachin Tendulkar and Virender Sehwag open for India. Umar Gul is the Pak bowler.

Mar 302011

Ha ha ha.

The folks in Pakistan are getting desperate.

They are praying en masse in the mosques and Madrasas and offering blandishments to the country’s cricket players in the crucial semi-final World Cup cricket match against India in Mohali today.

Maybe, the Pakis are scared their chutias will take money and throw away their wickets.

The chief minister of Pakistan’s largest province Punjab, Shahbaz Sharif, is holding up the carrot of 25 acres of fertile land for each player if the team beats India today.

Folks, we hope India plays their best game today and that all the reward the Pakistani players get is a 6×4 plot in Kabristan (graveyard).

Here’s the Terroristan team seeking Allah’s blessings at Mohali: