Mein Kutta Hoon, Yeh Kutiya Hain (I am a dog and she is my bitch).
– Salman Khan’s character Prem referring to his girlfriend Pooja (played by Asin) in the movie Ready
In the dismal annals of bad Indian movies, Ready (Salman Khan, Asin Thottumkal) occupies pride of place.
The Bollywood movie, which released in the U.S. this morning, is a nauseatingly awful piece of junk that has few parallels.
A movie with a fig leaf of a story so sophomoric that one shudders at the damage such tripe inflict on the already battered reputation of Bollywood.
As many of our smart readers are aware, Ready is the remake of a Telugu movie bearing the same name. We missed the Telugu version but it was our great misfortune to watch the Tamil version.
Directed by a Bollywood yokel answering to the yells of Anees Bazmee, Ready’s claim to fame is that the camera relentlessly maintains its focus on Salman Khan’s swollen, aging face much of the time as he makes a jackass of himself.
Bollywood rogue Salman Khan plays a young man Prem living with his wealthy parents and uncles in a large house.
Don’t ask us what Prem does for a living, his plans or his background. We have no clue. And neither does director Anees Bazmee.
The rest of the movie is an endless tableau of meaningless scenes that are bereft of any logic and bizarrely awful.
A forgetful father, an oddball accountant, a devil of a grandson, two brothers with ponytails and a retard-like heroine are some of the grotesque creatures making up the Ready menagerie.
The romantic angle comes (dis)courtesy of Malayalee midget Asin, who plays a wealthy American girl Sanjana escaping from her two hideous Indian uncles and somehow manages to land in Prem’s house by pretending to be another American girl Pooja.
The rest of the intolerable movie involves Prem teaming up with an accountant (Paresh Rawal) and dragging the movie further into the pits of hell from which there’s no escape until the credits start rolling at the end.
Bad as Salman Khan was in his earlier movies, he’s worse now as he starts to show signs of age and sleepwalks through his movies.
Asin demonstrates that after more than a decade in the movie business you can still not learn anything. The Mallu pygmy can’t act, can’t dance and doesn’t even have a voluptuous figure to compensate.
In the Dhinka Chika song, as Asin sluttishly thrusts her pelvis forward and wildly swings her hips while clad in a white mini-skirt and a tight yellow T-shirt we puked our guts out at the sheer ugliness, gracelessness and hideousness of this freak’s contortions.
Except for the hummable Character Dheela and Dhinka Chika numbers, the rest of the music is sheer noise and eminently forgettable.
Folks, the release of movies like Ready and Salman Khan’s previous abortion Dabanng herald the descent of a long night of darkness on Bollywood.
SearchIndia.com strongly recommends you stay away from Ready. This is one movie that’s clearly not meant for humans.