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Jul 282014

For all of you who claim Bollywood butcher Salman Khan is a superstar, I have a few questions.

* Why has Kick fared worse than the quiz show genius Alia Bhatt’s 2 States (Alia’s third major film)?

* Why has Kick come in way lower than Aamir Khan’s Dhoom 3 and Shahrukh Khan’s Chennai Express?

* Why has Kick come in significantly lower than Ranveer Singh-Deepika’s Ram Leela?

* Why has Kick grossed less than Tollywood nightmare Allu Arjun’s Race Gurram?

* Why has Kick fared worse than Tollywood non-actor Nagarjuna’s Manam?

If you ask me, Kick has had a mediocre to poor response in the U.S. The below table proves it.

For the opening July 25-27, 2014 weekend, Kick grossed $829,411 at the U.S. box office (source: IndiaFM/Bollywood Hungama).

The per screen average of Kick worked out to $5,882.

Here’s how Kick fared at the U.S. box office compared to some prominent Indian movies:

Kick U.S. Box Office Report

Jul 162014

Salman Khan - Whitewashing his Crimes(Image Courtesy: Times of India)

It’s no secret that Bollywood superstar Salman Khan is a drunk-driving murderer who mowed down several poor people sleeping on a Mumbai footpath and then, coward-like, the inhuman swine fled the crime scene without caring to help the dying and wounded.

Like a rat, the inebriated Salman Khan scampered away into the darkness despite the plaintive cries of the dying and wounded for help.

Salman Khan is also given to assaulting his girlfriends.

Like any savage monster, Salman Khan does not restrict his barbarities to humans. It extends to lesser species as well.

Salman takes great pleasure in killing defenseless animals like deer. From his jeep and at a safe distance, Salman Khan shot, killed an endangered deer (the Black Buck in Rajasthan), lit a fire, barbecued the dead deer, gorged on it and shared it with his admiring Chutiya friends.

Thanks to his wealth, widespread corruption in Indian law enforcement system and paid media ready to whitewash his crimes, Salman Khan continues to drag the court cases and evade punishment for his crimes.

Salman – Whitewashing Crimes

To whitewash his crimes, Salman Khan has taken the help of a fawning, servile media and a highly-paid PR team to paint himself as a charitable God!

Here are excerpts from an article in a major Indian newspaper today that shows how the mainstream media is colluding with Salman Khan in helping him to whitewash his crimes just before the release of his upcoming Bollywood film:

* TOI – Salman Khan, 48, clearly gets his kick in life from giving to others.
SI - Ha ha ha. Don’t forget the monster’s next movie is Kick.


* TOI – His goodness shows not just in his actions, but also on his face, which today is looking better than ever before.
SI - Good Lord! Goodness showing on the murderer Salman’s face????? How journalists stoop.


* TOI – He doesn’t shy from his weaknesses or erring like any other human being, but prides himself on being trustworthy and a family man.
SI - Salman doesn’t shy away from “erring like any other human being?” Sounds like the acme of nonsense! Salman Khan wouldn’t recognize decency and goodness if it punched him on the face or kicked him in the groin.


* TOI – What gives you a kick in your life?
Salman – It keeps changing, but at this point in time in my life, I want that people should have so much trust in me that they should know that agar isne keh diya na, toh he will try his best to make it happen. Secondly, that we trust him and that he will never cheat us.
SI - This savage wants so much trust from people. Ha ha ha, people would be better off reposing trust in Shaitan (devil).


* Salman – (W)hile I am alive, I want people to be able to trust me blindly.
SI - God! I can’t stop laughing. Kinda like the wolf telling the sheep: Come down from the mountain-top, I’ll take care of you.


* Salman – I still keep on trusting people and believe them for what they are telling me on face value.
SI - Is this murderer ever sober??


* TOI – What makes you give all the time?
Salman – It’s my own selfish need. My kick, my adrenaline rush. My high is to do. I have been made that way. I don’t want people to know about it, I don’t want it to be spoken about.
SI - Ek Number Chutiya says he does not want people to know about his charitable deeds and then goes on to brag about his charity to India’s largest newspaper. Monster!


* Salman – I want that people should have so much trust in me that they should know that agar isne keh diya na, toh he will try his best to make it happen. Secondly, that we trust him and that he will never cheat us. If he is saying something, blindly trust him.
SI - Blindly trust this Chutiya? OMG, I’d rather trust Dick Cheney and George W.Bush on the non-existing WMD in Iraq. Continue reading »

May 062014

[Alexander Imich] always ate sparingly, inspired by Eastern mystics who disdain food. “There are some people in India who do not eat,” he said admiringly.

– Interview with World’s Oldest Man Alexander Imich, 111, in New York Times

Witnesses See Salman Khan's Hit and Run
Why do some people live long?

Why do some people die young?

I’m not talking here of death from accidents, murders, wars, suicides, bomb blasts, holocausts, Indian-style encounters, CIA torture or Al Qaeda plane attacks.

Au contraire, my interest here is death from old age.

In other words, natural death.

The New York Times recently interviewed the oldest man on the planet, Alexander Imich.

Born on February 4, 1903 in Poland, Imich has led an eventful life – He survived the Nazi invasion of his country, imprisonment in a Russian Gulag, his childhood sweetheart/wife’s betrayal and great financial distress in his autumn years in America.

111-Year-Old Alexander Imich - World's Oldest ManWorld’s Oldest Man – Alexander Imich, 111
(Picture Courtesy: NYT)

At 111, Imich, who now lives in New York City, is frail but seems to be in control of his faculties.

Well, I’m not so sure of Imich’s mental faculties.

Because while speaking of “Eastern mystics,” the centenarian had this to say on some Indians:

There are some people in India who do not eat.

Good Lord! What baloney!

Probably the geezer even believes in the great Indian rope trick! ;)

Secrets to a Long Life

So what then are aspects of Imich’s life that could offer wannabe Methuselahs some valuable lessons.

Here’s what I gleaned from the NYT piece on factors that may have helped Imich live way longer than most of his peers:

* Not having Children
* Eating Sparingly
* Abstaining from Alcohol
* Stopping Tobacco Use
* Good Genes
* Athletics (or some form of regular Exercise)

There’s no mention of a happy marriage.

Imich’s first wife abandoned him for another man and he then married his wife’s friend Wela (she died in 1986).

So I suppose marriage and companionship are not big pluses when it comes to longevity.

My Two Cents

If I were to add a few of my own tips for longevity, they’d be:

* Absence of Stress
* Moderate Wealth
* Avoiding Meat (particularly, hormone-stuffed meat from American poultry and cattle farms)
* Avoiding Processed Food
* Consuming Less Sugar
* Eating Fresh Fruits, Green Vegetables, Salads, Goat Cheese and Olives

I agree with Imich that small portions aid longevity.

If you ask me, more people die from overeating than from starvation.

On children too, I’m with Imich. The joys that the patter of little feet bring are wildly exaggerated in my not-so-humble opinion.

Salman Khan

So what’s the connection between Alexander Imich and Salman Khan?

By my reckoning, Salman Khan has lived too long a life! That’s my premise, so don’t probe further even if it seem illogical to your Bertie Wooster-sized brain. ;)

On a serious note, Salman Khan does share some aspects of Imich’s life – No children, for one (at least, none that we’re aware of).

On alcohol, my friends say they’ve seen Salman drink. Plus, there’s the well known fact of Salman drunk-driving over sleeping pavement dwellers in Mumbai.

Given his toned body, I suppose Salman must be going to the gym fairly frequently.

As best as I know, Salman Khan is not married. Maybe, that helps. (As an obiter dictum, I do find his past obsession with Aishwarya Rai hard to fathom. Women who willingly marry lobotomized idiots in grand public ceremonies must be a lot weirder than Salman Khan at the wheels of a Toyota Land Cruiser.)

Based on my heightened perceptive skills, I’d hypothesize that Women suck the life force out of you. Ask Socrates! Ask Tolstoy! Ask the men in the court of Queen Elizabeth I or Empress Catherine of Russia. They’ll agree with me in a nano-second!

If Salman continues on his present trajectory – dalliances but not marriages – Salman Khan could end up proving my hypothesis that women are like good Scotch – One peg in the evening goes a long way to longevity!

On Salman’s dietary habits, I plead ignorance. Although I’m aware of his penchant for killing endangered wild bucks (Chinkaras), roasting ‘em on a slow fire and eating them.

I’m not sure if assaulting girl friends and killing Mumbai’s poorest by drunk driving over them contribute to longevity.

Perhaps, they do!

Like Alexander Imich, Salman Khan has lived a long and eventful life (though painful or fatal, and occasionally both painful and fatal, for Salman’s victims).

So based on Salman Khan’s colorful life, one could infer that a life of crime is no impediment to longevity in Incredible India.

Related Content:
An Ever-Curious Spirit, Unbeaten After 111 Years
Still Pursuing a Lifetime’s Worth of Interests at 104
Jan 272014

Inshallah, Jai Ho will be the beginning of the end for Salman Khan.

One of the silliest Bollywood movies in recent times, Jai Ho opened to a lukewarm response in the U.S.

Part of the reason could be the lousy weather in the Northeast but I think a more likely reason is that desis in the U.S. are getting sick of the garbage Salman Khan shovels at them with monotonous frequency.

For the opening January 24-26, 2014 weekend in the U.S., Jai Ho grossed $840,506 from 195 screens.

Average gross per screen for Jai Ho was $4,310, the lowest after Veer (2010).

Here’s how Jai Ho fared at the U.S. box office compared to a few prominent Bollywood films:

Jai Ho U.S. Box Office Report

Jai Ho’s miserable performance at the U.S. box office is the lowest for a Salman Khan movie in recent years! :)

One can only pray that this trend continues and heralds the long overdue end of Salman Khan’s reign in Bollywood.

Salman Khan Movies U.S. Box Office Report

Related Jai Ho Stories:
Jail Ho Review – Intolerable Garbage
Jan 242014

Only in that godforsaken shit-hole a.k.a. India does a real-life murderer, Salman Khan, don the garb of a good Samaritan on the screen (Jai Ho), flex his muscles, feign concern for the weak, and earn endless plaudits from all sections of society.

In my lexicon, what Bollywood low-life Salman Khan does on the screen ad nauseum in films like Jai Ho is a dirty trick of the highest order, albeit one that works very well with tasteless, classless, senseless Indian movie fans.

If you ask me, Jai Ho is an intolerable piece of trash, and nothing but Salman Khan’s desperate attempt to whitewash his beastly reputation as a murderer and thug.

Jai Ho – Garbage

Produced and directed by Sohail Khan, a halfwit whose sole claim to fame is that it happens to be Salman Khan’s younger sibling, Jai Ho is a pathetic, tawdry spectacle based loosely on the Hollywood film Pay It Forward (2000, Haley Joel Osment, Kevin Spacey and Helen Hunt).

Salman Khan plays Jai Agnihotri, an ex-army guy whose raison d’etre is to go around beating people, helping people and exhorting people to assist three others.

The helping and exhorting is what the little boy Trevor does well in Pay It Forward.

Whether it’s Trevor in Pay It Forward or Salman in Jai Ho, the goal is to set in motion a human-chain of kindness  toward needy souls who can’t help themselves and make the world a better place.

The villain in Jai Ho is the typical Bollywood caricature of a crooked, arrogant, thuggish politician, who comes here in the shape of the Home Minister Dashrat Singh (Danny Denzongpa).

As I wrote the other day, Pay It Forward was a mediocre Hollywood film but redeemed by superb acting by the troika of Haley Joel Osment, Kevin Spacey and Helen Hunt.

Au contraire, Jai Ho doesn’t possess a single refreshing or redeeming element.

The acting is horribly sub-par, the story is hopelessly silly, the stunt scenes laughable, the romance unbearable, the music easily forgettable and the overall effect extremely depressing on tender souls like yours truly.

Salman Khan exhibits a detached attitude to his role, almost as if he’s watching someone else play the character of Jai Agnihotri.

Weird!? Yes, but then the bizarre has always been an inalienable part of this weirdo’s psychological makeup.

I suppose at some level even Salman Khan finds the notion of playing a do-gooder totally alien to his true self. ;) Continue reading »

Jan 162014

Think of an idea to change the world and put it into action.

– Writing in chalk on the green board in Trevor’s 7th-grade classroom in the Hollywood film Pay It Forward

Bollywood’s murderous thug Salman Khan has gotten out of its pen and is busy promoting its new movie Jai Ho.

Directed by Salman’s younger brother Sohail Khan, Jai Ho is scheduled to release on January 24.

If history offers us any clues, Jai Ho will be a blockbuster at the Indian box office a la Salman’s previous films Dabang, Dabanng 2 and Ek Tha Tiger.

I pray for an impossible miracle – Jai Ho should kiss the dust.

But my prayers are unlikely to be answered by Salman’s vast swineherd a.k.a. fans.

Jai Ho – Based on Pay It Forward

Since Jai Ho is a remake of the Tollywood film Stalin, it’s safe to assume that Jai Ho is a lift of the Hollywood film Pay It Forward (2000).

After all, Stalin is ‘written’ and directed by A.R.Murugadoss, who has dedicated his film career to stealing and delivering garbage.

And by all accounts, Murugadoss’ Stalin (Chiranjeevi, Trisha, Kushboo) is based on Pay It Forward.

Murugadoss’ Tamil/Hindi hit Ghajini (stolen from Chris Nolan’s Memento) too was an egregious instance of outrageous theft.

Jai Ho – Mighty Shame

It’s a mighty shame that Jai Ho is based on theft of Hollywood film Pay It Forward, albeit with some modifications.

Because it is one more instance of Salman Khan financially benefiting from a stolen Hollywood film.

Of course, Salman Khan is no stranger to crime. Continue reading »