Generations of Indians to come will rub their eyes in disbelief, shake their heads in a daze, look on in a rage and cringe in shame that as late as 2011, when tiny nations like South Korea, Denmark and Israel were producing dazzling movies, Bollywood filmmakers were still churning out mind-numbing, odious garbage like Bodyguard (and that too featuring a cowardly murderer).
Folks, even by the morbidly disgusting standards of Bollywood, Bodyguard represents a new low watermark.
We were so depressed after watching this junk that we were tempted to end our life on the New Jersey Turnpike.
It was only the sad – sob-sob – thought of orphaning all you schmucks that prompted us to change our mind.
Now, you know how much we love y’all. 😉
The ne plus ultra of trash, this so-called movie makes a mockery of the art form known as movie-making and throws up a foul smelling vomit on the screen for over two hours.
Written and directed by a South Indian half-wit named Siddique, Bodyguard pairs a real-life aging Indian criminal named Salman Khan with that size zero bimbo Kareena Kapoor sporting a perennial vacuous, hey-hey-I-am-a-retard expression.
A story that’s the Mount Everest of nonsense, acting that’s hopelessly incompetent, music wholly inadequate and an irritating (un)comic angle provided not a second’s respite to yours truly from the unceasing torture unfolding on the screen.
At a theater on the East Coast in the U.S., there were about 18 people for the opening show of Bodyguard.
Our guess is at least 10 of the viewers were Muslims. Go figure.
A rich man Sartaj Rana (Raj Babbar) hires a bodyguard Lovely Singh (Salman Khan) to protect his young college student daughter Divya (Kareena Kapoor) from a deadly group bent on doing her injury.
Now, don’t ask us why.
Hey, this is a Salman Khan movie. Ask the wrong question and the star might drive his SUV over you. 🙁
Our bodyguard with the swollen cheeks, bluetooth earpiece, dark glasses, rippling muscles and the eight-pack body soon starts following the girl around like a shadow, into the ladies’ toilet (no kidding), into the class-room, into the gym and where not.
Much to the girl’s chagrin, who decides to throw the spanner in the works. Soon, the girl Divya feigns to be another college student Chaaya and keeps calling up our bodyguard, praising his hot body and eventually declaring her love for him.
Our bodyguard must surely be a blithering idiot since he’s blissfully unaware that it’s his ‘Madam Divya’ behind the prank.
It’s only in Hindi movies that the wife can’t recognize her husband without a mustache or a bodyguard can’t make out the barely-disguised voice of the girl he’s protecting day-in-and-day-out.
Are there no limits to the nonsense Indian movie fans are expected to uncomplainingly put up with after forking out $12?
Neither Salman Khan nor Kareena Kapoor have even a passing acquaintance with that acting thing.
Salman thinks flaunting his brawny chest is acting while Kareena is under the delusion that looking like a retard is the acme of acting!
Any place but India, the duo would have a hard time finding a role in a crowd scene.
God save Bollywood and its fans!
Of course, since Indian movie-fans are for the most part clueless buffoons as well it’s all fine and dandy for Salman and Kareena.
Horrid Comedy Angle
Since Bodyguard is a remake of a South Indian film, we’re forced to endure a hideously awful completely uncomical ‘comic angle.’
Director Siddique introduces a fat bozo Tsunami Singh (Rajat Rawail) whose raison d’etre is to inflict gruesome torture on viewers with his utterly unfunny antics.
Surely this Rajat Rawail must have been born during a lunar eclipse.
The senseless action scenes with Salman Khan’s character single-handedly, repeatedly beating to pulp dozens of well-armed thugs are an insult to Indian moviegoers.
Worse, none of the action scenes are tastefully done.
Crude beyond belief.
Just loud noise, Salman baring his body, the sound of bones breaking and the bad guys dropping like flies into the water, on the ground and all over.
As if all of the aforesaid nonsense were not enough to drive us batty, there’s an insanely stupid twist that involves the Bodyguard marrying Divya’s friend Maya for a few years.
When Maya conveniently dies after some unexplained illness, the coast is clear for the hero and heroine to finally come together.
Himesh Reshammiya’s uninspired music was tedious.
Neither the songs nor their picturization lifted us out of our gloom.
Even the sight of Kareena Kapoor in an orange saree with her pallu tightly folded to display her twin little mangoes and her saree just a wee bit above her mons veneris in the Teri Meri song scene only served to heighten our disgust and did nothing to lift our drooping spirits.
To pay $12 and watch junk like Bodyguard is to beg Marquis de Sade to lay the whip on your exposed backside.
By the way, Katrina Kaif in a black bra and a black skirt flashing her left thighs and more in the opening song Feel the Heat was a sluttish harbinger of all the crap to follow.
That Bodyguard is the third Indian language version of this garbage is a telling indictment not just on Indian movie-makers but also a section of Indian moviegoers who encourage such garbage. The Malayalam and Tamil versions came earlier and a Telugu version is in the works. 🙁
Folks, only in Incredible India can jokers like Siddique become film directors and worthless buffoons Salman Khan and Kareena Kapoor masquerade as actors.
Guys, Bodyguard is not worth your precious time or money.
Hesitate not to extend your middle finger to this mind-numbing trash with mucho gusto.