Generations of Indians to come will rub their eyes in disbelief, shake their heads in a daze, look on in a rage and cringe in shame that as late as 2011, when tiny nations like South Korea, Denmark and Israel were producing dazzling movies, Bollywood filmmakers were still churning out mind-numbing, odious garbage like Bodyguard (and that too featuring a cowardly murderer).
Folks, even by the morbidly disgusting standards of Bollywood, Bodyguard represents a new low watermark.
We were so depressed after watching this junk that we were tempted to end our life on the New Jersey Turnpike.
It was only the sad – sob-sob – thought of orphaning all you schmucks that prompted us to change our mind.
Now, you know how much we love y’all.
The ne plus ultra of trash, this so-called movie makes a mockery of the art form known as movie-making and throws up a foul smelling vomit on the screen for over two hours.
Written and directed by a South Indian half-wit named Siddique, Bodyguard pairs a real-life aging Indian criminal named Salman Khan with that size zero bimbo Kareena Kapoor sporting a perennial vacuous, hey-hey-I-am-a-retard expression.
A story that’s the Mount Everest of nonsense, acting that’s hopelessly incompetent, music wholly inadequate and an irritating (un)comic angle provided not a second’s respite to yours truly from the unceasing torture unfolding on the screen.
At a theater on the East Coast in the U.S., there were about 18 people for the opening show of Bodyguard.
Our guess is at least 10 of the viewers were Muslims. Go figure.
A rich man Sartaj Rana (Raj Babbar) hires a bodyguard Lovely Singh (Salman Khan) to protect his young college student daughter Divya (Kareena Kapoor) from a deadly group bent on doing her injury.
Now, don’t ask us why.
Hey, this is a Salman Khan movie. Ask the wrong question and the star might drive his SUV over you.
Our bodyguard with the swollen cheeks, bluetooth earpiece, dark glasses, rippling muscles and the eight-pack body soon starts following the girl around like a shadow, into the ladies’ toilet (no kidding), into the class-room, into the gym and where not.
Much to the girl’s chagrin, who decides to throw the spanner in the works. Soon, the girl Divya feigns to be another college student Chaaya and keeps calling up our bodyguard, praising his hot body and eventually declaring her love for him.
Our bodyguard must surely be a blithering idiot since he’s blissfully unaware that it’s his ‘Madam Divya’ behind the prank.