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Apr 272012
 




When Indian filmmakers like Priyadarshan are not pissing out mindless comedies, they’re pimping out nonsensical ‘action’ outrages like Tezz that are loosely based on decades-old foreign films (the 1975 Japanese film Bullet Train, in this instance).

Tezz made us want to yelp in agony – Do one thing for me, Sredni Vashtar.

Bet you schmucks have no idea what we’re talking about (one clue – Saki).

Flimsy, Crappy Story

The flimsy, ridiculous thread on which Tezz hangs is that if an illegal Indian immigrant Aakash (Ajay Devgn) is arrested and deported from the U.K. for working without a permit, he’ll return four years later angry as hell and not only wreak mayhem but also threaten to blow up 500 people aboard a fast-moving London-Glasgow train unless you quickly grease his palm with 10-million Euros (and only in used currency, mind you).

Among the countless police officers in UK only our Hindi speaking Indian detective Arjun Khanna (Anil Kapoor) working for the UK Counter-Terrorist Command in London can thwart Aakash, prevent the carnage, save the day and make senior British policemen look like a bunch of dodos.

Yes, the Rail Traffic Controller in the UK Rail is an Indian Sanjay Raina (Boman Irani).

Of course, the UK Counter-Terrorism Command Detective’s second in command Vikas is also an Indian.

Need you even ask? Yes, the UK Narcotics Department Detective escorting a prisoner on the train is an Indian Shiv Menon (played by the obese South Indian buffoon Mohanlal).

For sure, the UK Rail Traffic Controller’s second in command Radhika is an Indian girl.

Damn, at this rate in the next Bollywood film the British Queen will be a 85-year-old Indian woman Enema Randima Patel and the Crown Prince will be 59-year-old Charles Bewakoof Patel!

God, what drivel Hindi movie fans have to put up with, eternally condemned as we’re to watching third-rate films churned out by a troupe of monkeys.

No wonder, the Bollywood simians drew a blank this time too in all the major categories at the upcoming Cannes Film Festival.

Neither Ajay Devgn nor Anil Kapoor impressed us in the least in Tezz.

Both wear a tired, haggard, languid look about them that not all the makeup in the world can mask.

In any case, with a story so sophomoric even great actors can’t do much to entertain the audience leave alone lesser actors like Ajay Devgn or Anil Kapoor.

Bollywood’s Twin Freaks

As all Hindi film fans know, among the dizzying array of freaks populating Bollywood Sameera Reddy and Zayad Khan occupy pride of place.

To our great dismay, both these freaks find a place in Tezz.

An Amazonian figure with little grace, Sameera Reddy has not a single acting cell in her giant frame despite her presence in some two dozen Hindi and South Indian films so far.

As for Zayed Khan, rumor has it that when he came out of the womb his tiny head never made it outside. And you can see the evidence in the acephalous bozo’s acting in movie after movie.

And what’s with the Malayalee joker Mohanlal, who made an ass of himself in that Tamil crap-show Unnaipol Oruvan, doing here in a microscopic role.

Must be the old Mallu connection. Tezz’ (mis)director is also a Mallu and must have thrown a scrap at Mohanlal.

Loses Steam

Although the movie moves into high velocity in the initial few minutes, it quickly loses all steam as all the happenings shift to outside the train, vis-a-vis the flashbacks, chases, deportation, songs, item numbers etc.

Both Mallika Sherawat and her Laila…Laila item number were beyond repulsive.

Crude dancing and awful music caused us to throw up our Upma brunch (almost).

The Tere Bina song (and its picturization) was the acme of grotesquerie!

Kangana Ranaut has an insignificant role in Tezz. What a waste of a face-job!

SearchIndia.com Rating

Unless you’ve taken complete leave of your senses, we strongly recommend you stay away from this Bollywood piece of trash aka Tezz.

There’s nothing Tezz (fast) or classy about Tezz!

Folks, the movie is junk and implores you to raise the middle finger.

There’re better ways to spend your time and money this weekend.

  15 Responses to “Tezz Review – Usual Boring Indian Garbage”

  1. Funny :-) …..

  2. Now, this review shows us that SI is healthy again.

    SI won’t be gracing that theaters showing The Avengers? Scarlett Johansson looked alluring in some of the trailers.

    SearchIndia.com Responds:

    We’ll probably watch it more for Robert Downey Jr and less for Ms.Johansson.

    Lately, we’ve developed a dim view of her acting skills although our drooling hasn’t stopped.

    Off-topic: Have you watched Lilyhammer (English-Norwegian TV series featuring Steven Van Zandt) on Netflix? Streamed four episodes last night. Not bad. Will probably see the remaining four of Season-1 today. Maybe, it’s Sopranos lite.

    • Have switched to Blockbuster@Home (3 month free trial) via Dish Network. Pros: video games & in-store rentals. Cons: anemic streaming offering (it is not really a Con – at 10 bucks/month it is more like a bonus when compared to NFLX plans). For me the Pros far outweigh the Cons.

      Dish also offer a 3 month trial HBO, Cinemax, SHO, Starz etc. And HBO has a kick-ass Roku app where you can catch up on all the old series like Sopranos. Six Feet Under is another series I loved.

      SearchIndia.com Responds:

      We doubt there’s a single Blockbuster store in our state after the wave of closings. Kiosk rental/Online streaming is expensive compared to the competition. They have no hope.

      Finished Lilyhammer. Next on our list Sopranos!

  3. Had been to Delhi last weekend. And man these Delhites are out and out aggressive and insane!! And most of them uncultured too.

    Could never cross the road with all that traffic, and nobody cared to give way. My taxi driver was bloody rash and broke his left mirror and all while driving. I took bus once and the bus driver was even more rash. They never stop, but only slow down and passengers are expected to just jump out of the bus as he slows down near a busstop. They also keep racing with other buses. Its all road rage out there.

    SearchIndia.com Responds:

    1. Really? We thought the Delhi Metro (and your Tamil/Mallu CEO E.Sreedharan) had accomplished a miracle and greatly improved the traffic situation.

    Some 25-years back we spent a month in Delhi. Things were bad then.

    Based on our interaction with both South Indians and North Indians, the Northies are generally more aggressive.

    2. You write: Delhites are….uncultured too.

    Well, have you seen the younger generation of Telugus. ;)

    In our view, Indians of any stripe (whether in India or abroad) are a boorish, uncultured, uncivilized, barbaric lot who missed the Evolution Boat.

    • I guess they love doing such things http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pq72tjv_Rak&feature=fvwrel ;)

      >> Metro…greatly improved the traffic situation.
      Metro is good and traffic was fine as well but the way they were driving was like too rash, and no sight of traffic police anywhere.

      >> Well, have you seen the younger generation of Telugus.

      I know I know. Once I happened to stop by Guntur for dinner while on a road trip. I guess Guntur is the place where all those huge, clumsy, brown haired goons of villains in Telugu movies come from. There were a few of them playing around by kicking a dog here and there. Gross!!

      SearchIndia.com Responds:

      Regarding your video link (above), inside every Indian lurks a beast desperate to rear its head and destroy any property or people in the vicinity.

      Guntur, Gorakhpur, Gauribidanur, Gopalpur, Gaandmarpur…it’s the same!

      In the west, the force of law is a strong deterrent to the beast’s emergence but law in Mera Bharat Mahaan (as applied poorly and unequally) has no teeth and is utterly impotent.

      • @Shadowfax:

        Did you go to the Metallica concert in Bangalore, Shadow??

        • No missed it :(

          My sister’s marriage was around the same time.

          Some of my friends went and they loved it….

          I used to enjoy the live rock shows during my college days, where almost always some Swedish band used to perform.

          And once I went for a music festival called fireflies in Bangalore, where some fusion bands perform overnight in a forest area. It was an overnight festival and the experience was just too awesome!!

  4. Hello peeps

    LOL!!! Coincidentally, all Indians hold high ranking positions in UK in the police/terrorist/ justice dept????, they might as well have the movie in India ..that would have made more sense in casting.

    Btw, something to humour you for the eve

    Sonam Kapoor is one such star who always speaks her heart, no matter what. Recently, the actress blasted one of her follower on Twitter. Reason: She was being made fun off by the follower, for her acting skills, on the social networking site.

    The spat started when one of Sonam’s followers posted an interview by Anil kapoor which said, in the film industry, star kids have to struggle more than the non-star kids.

    One person retweeted it with a comment: “‘cos they generally have no talent.”

    To this, Sonam lost her cool and told the person to “f*** off”.

    The fight did not come to an end there. Sonam’s irritant @JayHind gave it back to her by saying:“@sonamakapoor Ah cool! We don’t mind abuses anyway as long as they don’t come in the form of bad films you sometimes star in. ”

    Sonam, to this, replied,: “@JayHind @Pseudo_Intellec no you didn’t its just fun abusing a**holes”

    The guy then apologized: “@sonamakapoor Touched a raw nerve there, did we? Sorry. @Pseudo_Intellec”

    SearchIndia.com Responds:

    Just about three or four people can act in Bollywood – Naseeruddin Shah, Irffan Khan, Tabu, Abhay Deol (maybe).

    If Sonam were not Anil Kapoor’s spawn, she’d be a maid in a rich Mumbai household, mopping the floor on her knees and getting poked by a Shiney Ahuja (a Bollywood Rapist/Actor) type master of the house. Lucky for she, she won the Anil Kapoor DNA Lotto.

    Only in India do twits like Sonams, Kareenas and Katrinas have a following. Any place else, these bozos would be laughed off the screen.

    Korean movies and Chinese films are making it to Cannes Film Festival with monotonous frequency and despite making 50X or 100X the number of Korean films our Bollywood people are nowhere in the picture (because they’re too busy filching three decade-old Hollywood and Foreign film plots and churning out trash).

    • Just read somewhere Kareena to remake Arundhati………..shivers

      SearchIndia.com Responds:

      Bollywood is binging on South Indian garbage. So many remakes lately.

      We recently watched endured the trailer of an upcoming weird Bollywood shit – Rowdy Rathore (Akshay Kumar, Sonakshi), remake of the Telugu film Vikramarkadu.

      Glorifying Rowdies? Bollywood is bankrupt, of ideas and talent!

      • You guys watched that??? Its Prabhu Deva’s movie, go figure :)

        SearchIndia.com Responds:

        They’re showing the Rowdy Rathore trailer with every Hindi film these days.

        No, we haven’t seen the Telugu ‘original.’

        • I just checked out your link, its a remake of Siruthai! I’m guilty of watching that :P

          Also did you read the English caption on the poster ‘DON’T ANGRY ME’ – LOL!!! – I guess someone forgot to proof read.

          SearchIndia.com Responds:

          The ‘DON’T ANGRY ME’ scream was not a typo or proof-reading error….Supposedly a realistic take on the Rowdy’s poor grammar/grasp of Engleesh.

          • It only gets funnier ….. ROFL

            SearchIndia.com Responds:

            Let’s hope Rowdy Rathore sinks fast…like Tezz.

          • Yes this junk Tezz has sunk.

            I was not even aware that such a movie got released.

            But there is overwhelming response for Avengers. Our team has been trying tickets for the past few days and all theatres are running full house.

            SearchIndia.com Responds:

            Avengers releasing this weekend here.

  5. Folks-
    Looks like Netflix streaming might have struck a deal with the UTV house in India.

    Newer desi content on Netflix streaming seems to be heavily UTV content.

    Watched ‘Paan singh tomar’ on NF Instant recently. Pretty well made and acted movie. Granted it has some Bollywoodish treatment to the subject, Irfan puts in a solid performance. I would give it a B+ on the Bollywood rating scale.

    Also, stumbled upon a Tamil movie on Netflix Instant called ‘Muran’. Looks like it is the Dravidian version of Hitchcock’s – Strangers on a Train. Too many loose ends in the movie, mediocre acting performances…nevertheless better than usual the bump-n-grind your crotch trash that is usually doled out.

    Also watched on Netflix Instant recently – Ek Main Aur Ekk Tuu. The story definitely smells like it is Latin or Hollywood inspired. Wasn’t worth googling anyways. Slick production values, cosmetically aesthetic – that’s where the good news ends. Rubbish, uneventful, dull as dishwasher effluent movieplot and screenplay.

    I liked one of the songs which has a catchy rhythm to it, sounds like the audio is augmented by computer software. Recently learnt that this technique is called ‘Auto-tuning’ – (knowledge courtesy – Bountifully bosomed sourpuss Christina Aguilera in The Voice).

    SearchIndia.com Responds:

    Had stopped checking for Indian content because much of it was stale.

    Haven’t seen an Indian film on NF in eons. Will see Paan Singh Tomar soon.

    The last film I caught on NF Instant was Ocean Heaven (Jet Li in an un-Jet Li role) and before that the Norwegian/English Mafia TV series Lilyhammer. Both were decent.

    Regarding Muran, I haven’t seen it. But Strangers on a Train itself was so-so. Nothing to get too excited about.