I’ve never seen a spectacle so perverse, so utterly ridiculous as an Indian turning into a big-time robber (stealing millions both in India and overseas) merely to help sick orphans.
Get real, P-u-h-l-e-e-ze.
As anyone the least bit familiar with the subcontinent’s ethos and culture will attest, our people are ‘devils‘ utterly bereft of the milk of human kindness.
Inflicting their logorrhoea about fictitious charity programs in every media interview, Indian ‘devils’ get their daily ‘kick‘ from murdering homeless people by running their cars over them, beating girlfriends, killing and barbecuing endangered deer, assaulting photographers and only the great Allah knows what other crimes these Shaitans commit behind closed doors.
A young orphan – sick or healthy – is the last thing on the mind of an Indian devil.
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Devil’s New Tricks
It’s no secret that I loath rotten Indian films!
And by God, crappy Indian films are dime a dozen in Mera Bharat Mahaan.
So my first thought when I heard of Kick was – OMG, is it one of the dreadful Sajid ‘remember Divya Bharati‘ Nadiadwala junk or one of his stolen shits like Heyy Babyy?
I mean, what kind of a jackass calls an Indian film Kick. What’s the next Indian movie? Panty, Boxer, Keyboard, Monitor?
My second fear – Has Sallu bhai stopped taking his medication and starred in another southern junk clone?
After all, the Chutiya is no stranger to South Indian drivel having thrust insufferably bizarre kichdi like Wanted, Bodyguard, Ready etc on us.
Right up to the end of Kick, when, eureka, we ‘learn’ the hero is robbing crooked politicians, callous doctors and amoral businessmen not to amass money but to help sick orphan children get medical treatment, the hero acts like he’s got three screws missing in what passes for its head.
With not a single acting gene in his body, our hero is a robotic mass of muscle and bone. Even an attempt at a smile comes off awkward, more like a grimace.
Our tall, lissome heroine acts like an escapee from the local asylum, slapping her sister, pummeling the hero, smacking the comedian, kicking the hero and periodically making a face like Alia Bhatt on a quiz show.
Ah, did I tell you the hero looks older than the heroine’s father?
And the hero’s father looks like his younger brother. Incest anybody?
I swear on bhai the hero’s mother looked like his former girlfriend.
As with a lot of Indian movies these days, the tiresome parade starts off on foreign soil.
Our reluctant heroine, now living abroad, is cajoled into meeting the not-hero bridegroom just arrived from India.
Heroine and the not-hero meet for the first time on a train.
Now the not-hero has gone overseas for two reasons – To meet the NRI girl chosen for him by his family and to nab the Kick-hero who has taunted him into coming there. Not-hero is actually an Indian police officer smarting from being constantly on the losing side of Kick-hero’s devilish robberies.