Never let it be said that Bollywood star Akshay Kumar misses any opportunity to stoop to new lows with each new movie.
With an unerring instinct for the asinine, Akshay’s new movie Patiala House is so bizarrely stupid that you wonder throughout the 2 hour 20-minute ordeal if this trash was made by humans at all.
With Patiala House, a Bollywood completely bereft of ideas is resorting to a khichdi of mixing the national obsession cricket with the Sikh community (after all, wasn’t Singh is Kinng a big hit?) and a Whites-hating London-based NRI (think DDLJ), all the while praying the gullible audience will fall for the sleight of hand.
And who better to lead the sophomoric effort than Akshay Kumar whose claim to fame is asking fans to first shut off their brains and then watch his movies.
Besides playing the hero, Akshay’s production house Hari Om Pictures has co-produced this wannabe film.
Hopelessly Juvenile Story
The story, if you dare call this amateur effort that, is of a London-based family patriarch Bauji (Rishi Kapoor), the unofficial Sarpanch of Southall, ruling a large joint family with an iron hand, stomping on their dreams and passions and insisting they obey all his diktats.
So in the extended family, a wannabe rapper is reduced to singing Sikh hymns, an aspiring chef is forced to make Jalebis while a top-class young cricketer Gattu is compelled to abandon his dreams of playing for England and instead asked to mind a convenience store because Bauji is filled with hatred for the British owing to some racist taunts and a tragic incident in the past.
Hello, is this the 21st century or what?
Time passes and the 34-year-old Gattu (Akshay Kumar looking 45-years-old) manages the small convenience store.
Cricket – The New Solitaire?
In a ham-handed way, we’re shown that the passage of time has not dampened Gattu’s passion for cricket.
The way the movie’s makers do this is by dumbing down cricket (a team game) into Solitaire. Every night after closing the store, Gattu goes to the ground, switches on the flood lights and plays cricket alone.
How someone can play cricket alone night after night for several years is not for sane minds to comprehend. Even if it’s just bowling, it’s downright silly.
Meanwhile, family members are upset with Gattu. They blame his bovine acquiescence of Bauji’s diktat for queering the pitch of all their dreams.
Such are the flimsy foundations on which this movie is built.
Stupid Turns to Bizarre
Suddenly, we learn England’s cricket team is in bad shape, a new team is selected. At the behest of some locals who have watched him play alone late at night and based on some trials, the 34-year-old Gattu, who’s not played a proper game for 17-years and never played for a club gets into England’s national cricket team.
Ha ha ha. Only in a Hindi film, folks does such nonsense happen.
Or strange things happens when the sun sets on the empire. Maybe, Churchill was right in his fears.
As if all these were not bizarre enough, we’re treated to the stupid spectacle of how Bauji, a big cricket fan, is kept in the dark about his son Gattu playing for England through a variety of unendurable sophomoric means.
Then, there’s the spectacle of a retard-like character Simran (Anushka Sharma), with her mouth forever agape as if desperate for something to be shoved in. In tow with Simran is a young boy, who we’re asked to believe is her friend’s abandoned son left with her after the pal gets married and moves off to Canada conveniently forgetting the boy.
If the story is silly beyond redemption, the acting never raises to great heights and the music is forgettable.
For one supposedly obsessed about cricket, Gattu’s passion never comes out on the screen.
Akshay Kumar walks through the whole film with a hang-dog, one-shag-too-many expression, Anushka packs a retard’s look and outlook on life and Rishi Kapoor is desperate to convince you that the late Amrish Puri is still not dead.
The confrontation between Bauji and Gattu is flat after the old man hears of the betrayal.
Well, Anushka at least lets her Sari’s pallu drop a few times to give the priapically-inclined a glimpse of her 34-B right mango and thankfully provides a continuous thigh-show. Some paisa vasool, even if the overall effect is sluttish! 😉
The rest of the gaggle including Dimple Kapadia is irrelevant.
Nikhil Advani (director of the Chandni Chowk To China nightmare) is the architect of this horror show as well.
For the opening show of Patiala House at a theater on the U.S. East Coast, there were just two people.
In a moment of anger and frustration, Akshay’s character Gattu ejaculates: Cricket is a waste of time.
Au contraire, Patiala House is a waste of time.
Do not even consider watching this piece of puerile junk. Your time and money are better spent elsewhere.