Patiala House Review – Puerile Junk

Never let it be said that Bollywood star Akshay Kumar misses any opportunity to stoop to new lows with each new movie.

With an unerring instinct for the asinine, Akshay’s new movie Patiala House is so bizarrely stupid that you wonder throughout the 2 hour 20-minute ordeal if this trash was made by humans at all.

With Patiala House, a Bollywood completely bereft of ideas is resorting to a khichdi of mixing the national obsession cricket with the Sikh community (after all, wasn’t Singh is Kinng a big hit?) and a Whites-hating London-based NRI (think DDLJ), all the while praying the gullible audience will fall for the sleight of hand.

And who better to lead the sophomoric effort than Akshay Kumar whose claim to fame is asking fans to first shut off their brains and then watch his movies.

Besides playing the hero, Akshay’s production house Hari Om Pictures has co-produced this wannabe film.

Hopelessly Juvenile Story

The story, if you dare call this amateur effort that, is of a London-based family patriarch Bauji (Rishi Kapoor), the unofficial Sarpanch of Southall, ruling a large joint family with an iron hand, stomping on their dreams and passions and insisting they obey all his diktats.

So in the extended family, a wannabe rapper is reduced to singing Sikh hymns, an aspiring chef is forced to make Jalebis while a top-class young cricketer Gattu is compelled to abandon his dreams of playing for England and instead asked to mind a convenience store because Bauji is filled with hatred for the British owing to some racist taunts and a tragic incident in the past.

Hello, is this the 21st century or what?

Time passes and the 34-year-old Gattu (Akshay Kumar looking 45-years-old) manages the small convenience store.

Cricket – The New Solitaire?

In a ham-handed way, we’re shown that the passage of time has not dampened Gattu’s passion for cricket.

The way the movie’s makers do this is by dumbing down cricket (a team game) into Solitaire. Every night after closing the store, Gattu goes to the ground, switches on the flood lights and plays cricket alone.

How someone can play cricket alone night after night for several years is not for sane minds to comprehend. Even if it’s just bowling, it’s downright silly.

Meanwhile, family members are upset with Gattu. They blame his bovine acquiescence of Bauji’s diktat for queering the pitch of all their dreams.

Such are the flimsy foundations on which this movie is built.

Stupid Turns to Bizarre

Suddenly, we learn England’s cricket team is in bad shape, a new team is selected. At the behest of some locals who have watched him play alone late at night and based on some trials, the 34-year-old Gattu, who’s not played a proper game for 17-years and never played for a club gets into England’s national cricket team.

Ha ha ha. Only in a Hindi film, folks does such nonsense happen.

Or strange things happens when the sun sets on the empire. Maybe, Churchill was right in his fears.

As if all these were not bizarre enough, we’re treated to the stupid spectacle of how Bauji, a big cricket fan, is kept in the dark about his son Gattu playing for England through a variety of unendurable sophomoric means.

Then, there’s the spectacle of a retard-like character Simran (Anushka Sharma), with her mouth forever agape as if desperate for something to be shoved in. In tow with Simran is a young boy, who we’re asked to believe is her friend’s abandoned son left with her after the pal gets married and moves off to Canada conveniently forgetting the boy.

Great Pain

If the story is silly beyond redemption, the acting never raises to great heights and the music is forgettable.

For one supposedly obsessed about cricket, Gattu’s passion never comes out on the screen.

Akshay Kumar walks through the whole film with a hang-dog, one-shag-too-many expression, Anushka packs a retard’s look and outlook on life and Rishi Kapoor is desperate to convince you that the late Amrish Puri is still not dead.

The confrontation between Bauji and Gattu is flat after the old man hears of the betrayal.

Well, Anushka at least lets her Sari’s pallu drop a few times to give the priapically-inclined a glimpse of her 34-B right mango and thankfully provides a continuous thigh-show. Some paisa vasool, even if the overall effect is sluttish! 😉

The rest of the gaggle including Dimple Kapadia is irrelevant.

Nikhil Advani (director of the Chandni Chowk To China nightmare) is the architect of this horror show as well.

Poor Response

For the opening show of Patiala House at a theater on the U.S. East Coast, there were just two people.

In a moment of anger and frustration, Akshay’s character Gattu ejaculates: Cricket is a waste of time.

Au contraire, Patiala House is a waste of time.

Do not even consider watching this piece of puerile junk. Your time and money are better spent elsewhere.

7 Responses to "Patiala House Review – Puerile Junk"

  1. rakeshbaba   February 11, 2011 at 9:34 pm

    recent akshay kumar movies are very ridiculous,do u know that once akshay himself said in an interview that his recent movies were senseless
    by the way have u listened these old songs Responds:

    As long as there are idiots willing to fork out $$ to watch his trash, Akshay Kumar will continue to deliver garbage like CC2C, TMK and now Patiala House.

    Listening to the songs in your (above) links.

    • rakeshbaba   February 11, 2011 at 9:56 pm

      wat do u think about the songs and two legends mohammed rafi and mirza ghalib Responds:

      Both are nice.

      Listening to second song for second time.

  2. munish   February 12, 2011 at 6:07 am

    Just saw ‘the pursuit of happyness’. Oh man! what an actor that little kid jaden smith is! & dare you expect an iota of that from our desi kids. Will smith is so powerful. love him. Bollywood can never make a film this good. We have a bunch of jokers claiming to be actor. How can they be defined by the same word by which Will smith is; actor? Hey sir btw did you hear salman khan’s suggestion? He wants Bollywood to be renamed as Hi-Fi, standing for Hindi-film-industry. Guess what! shouldn’t it be instead ‘highly fishy’? !! Responds:

    You write: Hey sir btw did you hear salman khan’s suggestion? He wants Bollywood to be renamed as Hi-Fi, standing for Hindi-film-industry. Guess what! shouldn’t it be instead ‘highly fishy’? !!

    Only in India can the likes of Salman Khan thrive.

    Any place with a sensible audience and buffoons like Salman Khan would have been flung on the trash heap 20 years back.

    At the end of the day, the audience gets the movies it deserves.

    BTW, we liked Jaden in Karate Kid too.

  3. kd36939   February 12, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    Every time a super hyped hindi movie flops, I feel so elated! I did not watch this movie yet…but by seeing the trailer I feel it has all the cliches you expect from a typical Bollywood movie.

    Do you watch lollu sabha? They make spoof of tamil movies and it is completely hilarious. You can find them in youtube. If you are interested, one of the blogger has interviewed lollu sabha’s director and he talks about the difficulties in making a parody of tamil movies / actors in Tamil Nadu. I felt it was interesting – Responds:

    1. You write: Every time a super hyped hindi movie flops, I feel so elated! I did not watch this movie yet.

    This one may not flop because all those with Khali-stan in the head will rush to watch it.

    2. Seen one or two episodes of Lollu Sabha from links posted by readers.

  4. Naveen   February 12, 2011 at 6:32 pm

    Did you folks expect anything better than what you got? Why do you put yourself through this misery? 🙂 Responds:

    You write: Why do you put yourself through this misery

    True, but who’d have thought Cricket would be the new Solitaire. 😉 Akshay Kumar’s alter ego Gattu has been playing cricket alone for 17 years. Eyewitnesses have seen him doing it every night for at least six years.

    Now, let’s get back to our bottle of Charles de Fere Blanc de Blancs Brut with Indian Muruku on the side. A full bottle will give us at least a mild high unlike the movie, which was a total pain.

    • Naveen   February 12, 2011 at 6:58 pm

      Planning to watch the world cup? Do you know any free/paid websites to watch it?

      I can google it but if you can suggest then I can remain lazy 🙂 Responds:

      Too much choice..we couldn’t make up our mind.

      As the wise ones at SI say, too much choice is no choice.

      Please scroll through the above and inform us & other readers what you recommend while we go down for one glass of Sparkling Wine. 😉

      • Naveen   February 12, 2011 at 7:22 pm

        “ICC Cricket World Cup 2011 Free for Dish network & Vonage Customers” seems to be a good option for those with Dish & Vonage. A friend told me about this today morning. It seems if you you subscribe to some Indian Channels then they are offering the Worldcup telecast free!

        I will keep looking for more online telecasts and post it here as I find. Responds:

        We’re thinking of subscribing to cricket wateva cup on our iPhone.

        Readers: Any recommendations?

        Now you know what happens when too much bubbly starts coursing through your/our veins? 😉

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