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Saravanaa Bhavan West Windsor Review – Grr, Nice Toilet, Lots of Flies, Crappy Food

Oct 182011

Indians, as we all well know, wash their sorry Hindu ass with water.

Not for our people, the toilet paper, those newfangled bidets or the currently news-making $6,400 Kohler Numi toilet with a built-in MP3 player/Radio/Heater or other fancy ass-cleaning devices.

Since time immemorial, Indians have adopted a fail-safe, simple technique to keep their arses clean:

Water + Left Hand = Clean Bottom.

If you visit a toilet in an Indian home, strategically placed within arm’s reach you’ll see a small mug, vessel or cup that can be filled with H2O for the cleansing exercise.

Clean Toilet with Styrofoam Cup (left) at
Saravanaa Bhavan West Windsor, NJ

That’s why when we saw the carefully placed styrofoam cup (see above left in picture) in Saravanaa Bhavan West Windsor’s clean toilet, we felt a wave of nostalgia wash over our all over us.

Man, these Tamil criminals (yes, Saravanaa Bhavan’s founder/owner P.Rajagopal is a real-life ass-wipe murderer and the son is an ass-wipe U.S. immigration law offender) have a big heart that understands Indian asses well, literally speaking that is.

How touching! These ass-wipe criminals care even about our sorry asses.

Unlike the dirty toilets in most Indian restaurants, Saravanaa Bhavana West Windsor’s loo is clean, boasts not one but two trash-cans, multiple rolls of paper-towels, extra toilet-paper rolls, no bad-odor, a nice mirror etc.

All in all, the Saravanaa Bhavan West Windsor restroom was a pleasant revelation unlike the filth you have to put up in loos at most Indian restaurants.

Alas, if only the bozos at Saravanaa Bhavan had paid the same careful attention to the kitchen that they lavished on their toilet, the food here would taste a lot better and diners wouldn’t leave in a grouchy mood.

Saravanaa Bhavan West Windsor Saravanaa Bhavan, West Windsor, NJ – Disappointing

Mysore Masala Dosa – A Disgrace

In our reckoning, if a Masala Dosa is not crisp it’s not a Masala Dosa.

Call it Uttappam, Jeevajyothi (the married woman Saravanaa Bhavan founder P.Rajagopal lusted after and got her husband murdered), Katrina Kaif or wateva.

But by God don’t call it a Masala Dosa.

Saravanaa Bhavan West Windsor Mysore Masala Dosa

Crappy, Not-Crisp Mysore Masala Dosa

Saravanaa Bhavan West Windsor’s Mysore Masala Dosa ($9.95) was not crisp and no self-respecting kitchen would allow it to be placed before diners.

Alas, Saravanaa Bhavan is not the kind of restaurant that takes pride in its kitchen as we learned by way of our disappointing meal.

We did not find the Dosa’s soft texture palatable in the least although we must acknowledge that the spicy red Masala paste was well spread to the insides of the Dosa.

The bland Coconut Chutney compounded our irritation.

Come on, how can you not add some Green Chillies to the Coconut Chutneys?

Either Green Chillies are as expensive as gold or the Mexicans are lording over your kitchen.

Mercifully, the Paruppu Chutney (Dal Chutney) was all right.

Tomato-Onion Pachadi had an un-South Indian garam masala flavor.

Although the medium-thick Sambar was low on Tamarind, mercifully it was still palatable.

All in all, the Mysore Masala Dosa was a disgrace unworthy of Saravanaa Bhavan.

Idli, Vada – Not Fully Cooked

The two South Indian staples of Idli and Medhu Vada were both unsatisfactory.

Vada had a rubbery texture when we bit into it and was not crisp.

That was because it was unevenly cooked inside.

Mon dieu, Idli suffered from the same problem.

It was incompletely cooked inside causing the raw Idli flour inside to stick to our hands.

Partially Cooked Idli-Vada

Will someone please tell the Saravanaa Bhavan West Windsor clowns that Idli should never ever be sticky inside.

By now, we were in high dudgeon.

Hell, who can blame us after being dished out such crap.

Crappy Saravanaa Spl Meals

Saravanaa Special Meals ($13.50) included Poori, Plain Rice, Rasam, Sambar, Green Banana Curry, Drumstick Onion Curry, Dal, Cauliflower Kuzhambu, Rice Payasam, Yogurt, Lime Pickle, Raita and Appalam.

Disappointing Thali

There were multiple issues with the Saravanaa Special Meals.

Plain rice was not even lukewarm, slightly pasty and made of poor quality rice.

Poori was large but very oily with thick hard edges and we did not relish it. In retrospect, we regretted not picking the Chapati option.

Rasam lacked the pungent black pepper powder flavor and was not even lukewarm.

Dal with a strong taste of Moong and Green Squash Vegetable (Doodhi) suffered from a surfeit of turmeric powder.

With bad quality Okra, the Onion-Okra Sambar was low on Tamarind and Sambar spices.

Green Banana curry had an awful food color taste and we did not enjoy it even one bit.

Rice Payasam was watery and earned a B- grade.

Cauliflower Kuzhambu and Drumstick Onion Curry were the only two items in the Saravanaa Spl Meals with some semblance of flavor and taste. Both would get a B+ or maybe even an A- grade if we’re in a generous mood.

Raita, Yogurt and Lime Pickle were alright. So was the Appalam.

But what surprised us most was the small serving size of Saravanaa Spl Meals, especially after charging $13.50.

The serving size of all the curries, side dishes was so small that you end up ordering additional items to silence the bellowing in your stomach.

Takeout – Disappointing Kootu & Rava Kesari

Besides dining in, we also ordered a couple of takeout items – Kootu and Rava Kesari.

The Italian Green Squash Kootu ($5) with Red Chilli seasoning was thick and creamy.

Unfortunately, the Kootu tasted more like Dal.

Dal like Kootu

What was missing was the rich, flavorful aromatic taste of Kootu. Continue reading »

Dakshin Express Edison NJ – Heavenly, Sooper Biryani from an Ugly Shithole

Food, Reviews 4 Responses »

Sep 262011

Oh Baby, Oh Baby!

Besides sending us into an orgasmic swoon, Dakshin Express on Oak Tree Road in Edison (NJ) evoked nostalgic memories of that incredible shithole.

Which shithole, you ask?

India, of course.

The vaguely human-looking waiters at Dakshin Express look like they’ve just escaped their cages from the nearest zoo and the dark-skinned South Indian diners (no, we’re not the Fair & Lovely kind either) deep-throating the food eat with a rapacity seen only among Somalis, Ethiopians and Gujjus (during Diwali Annakoot at the Swaminarayan Mandir).

We asked ourselves for the n+1th time, have these South Indian H1-B and L1 Visa humanoids never seen food in their lives?

By the way, that was a rhetorical question.

Like most things Indian, Dakshin Express, both the inside and outside, looks ugly as hell.

Dakshin Express - A Dirty Dump Ugly Dumpster, Divine Biryani

And as for Dakshin Express’ toilet, let’s just say the Augean Stables that Hercules washed as one of his labors was a lot cleaner.

In short, Dakshin Express looks like an average restaurant in India.

One that serves some divine food amid an inviting aroma and ultimately inducing a euphoric sensation rippling through our body leaving us thinking for a moment that Sonam ‘Aayat‘ Kapoor was lying atop us (hell, we can dream, can’t we?).

Sonam Kapoor of Biryanis

If there’s a better Biryani in the world, we haven’t heard of it!

Habitués to the nonpareil SI blog know that we’re querulous bastards. We try hard to pick faults, nay our raison d’etre is to find faults.

But the Dakshin Express Biryani scored a Perfect 10.

Think Bo Derek 10, schmucks, because Sonam is a bit wanting in the upper story (now, don’t dare ask us how we can speak with such authority on such intimate matters because that’s strictly between us & Sonam)!

Dakshin Express Biryani Edison, NJ - Unrivalled, Nonpareil Yummy, Heavenly Biryani

An unrivaled aroma and taste matched only by muff-diving, Dakshin Express’ Egg Biryani was the ne plus ultra of Biryanis.

In fact, the smell of Biryani pervades the tiny restaurant with 10-tables.

Hell, not even the off-putting smell of all those unwashed, sweating, dark-as-coal Tamils and Telugus thronging the place can mask the divine smell of the Biryani.

Dakshin Express’ specialty and claim to fame is the Biryani.

Not only did we order it but witnessed other drooling South Indian buxom, lactating aunties in Churidars, bespectacled Paatis (grandmas) in Sarees and sick-looking desi uncles in Chaddis (shorts) doing the same.

Such is the draw of the Dakshin Express’ Biryani.

What Makes Dakshin Biryani Sui Generis?

A lot of chefs in Indian restaurants in the U.S. are clueless SOBs who wouldn’t recognize a Biryani if it walloped them on the face.

The key to a good Biryani is to cook the rice along with the vegetables, the magical Indian spices and meat (if it’s a Chicken or Goat Biryani) on a slow-flame.

Since we were not in a carnivorous mood when we went to Dakshin Express, we bovinely opted for the Egg Biryani ($8).

Our order of Egg Biryani came piping hot to the table in a steel plate with a cup of Onion Raita and a reddish brown watery Gravy on the side. It consisted of a single boiled egg, slices of onion, one lime piece, cut beans, green peas, cubed carrot and corn.

There were several reasons why we consider Dakshin Express’s Biryani nonpareil:

* First, it had a delightful aroma of Biryani spices – Cinnamon, Bay Leaves, Cardamom, Mogga etc

* Second, Biryani spices seeped well into the vegetables and Basmati rice.

* Third, Biryani was not oily and had a fine freshly prepared texture.

* Fourth, Basmati rice was cooked to perfection with neither raw, hard or pasty over-cooked texture.

* Fifth, the accompanying side dishes – Onion Raita and the Gravy enhanced the taste of already flavorful Egg Biryani.

By the way, the Biryani retained its great flavor even 24 hours after preparation.

Now if you schmucks can show us a better way of spending $8 in Edison, we’ll salute you.

Good Masala Dosa

Like all good South Indians, we love our Masala Dosa.

Natürlich, we never miss a chance to order it during our wanderings in the Indian slums of Edison and Iselin.

Dakshin Express - Good Masala Dosa Mysore Masala Dosa with Chutneys & Sambar – O La La La

Dakshin Express’ Mysore Masala Dosa was large with masala paste smeared evenly in the inner layer.

It came with a delicious stuffing of Potato-Onion curry, Carrot-Onion Sambar, and Coconut and Tomato Chutneys on the side.

Dosa was crisp and tasty.

Sambar was medium thick, hot with a nice flavor of Sambar spices and thoroughly relished.

Both the chutneys were fresh but the Tomato Chutney was more flavorful than the Coconut Chutney.

We would have enjoyed the Coconut Chutney better had it been a tad spicier.

Dakshin Express Bastards Duped Us

Never let it be said than an Indian ignores an opportunity to bamboozle a fellow Indian.

Cheating is at the core of the Indian DNA (except, of course, in the case of sincere souls like yours truly).

The cold-blooded troglodytes in Dakshin Express’ kitchen royally screwed us over with the Bisebele Bath and Upma.

Both were lousy.

Since the Biryani was so good and the Bisibele Bath and Upma so bad, we hypothesize that the chef/deputy chef developed an uncontrolled jerking instinct, and rushed to the bathroom abandoning the kitchen in the hands of the Mexican dishwasher. What adds weight to our suspicion is that the bathroom wore a trashed-out look soon after as if a troupe of wild-monkeys had run amok through it.

Bisibele Bath ($5.50) was way too watery, not in the least spicy, low on Toor Dal and was nothing but Sambar Rice with some unfried Cashew Nuts flung into it.

A Total Rip-off.

Dakshin Bisibele Bath - A Ripoff Bisibele Bath – A Total Ripoff

Upma was like eating Rava boiled in water.

Not in the least flavorful and one or two microscopic pieces of green chili.

Dakshin Express Upma - Horrid Upma? Hell, This Ain’t No Upma

Schmucks, just take our advice and steer clear of this flavorless disgrace aka Upma ($5).

Lousy Service

True to the simian antics of most Indian waiters, the bespectacled waiter at Dakshin Express rudely threw the menus on our table.

Some 10 minutes after we ordered our food, another fellow wearing a dark green shirt emerged (the fellow who messed up the bathroom) and barked, Oh-dour?

We meekly responded Oh-dored.

And we were not pleased to see plastic cups and a less-than-pristine water jug on the table.

Go for the Biryani, Fellas

But the excellent Biryani more than made up for all the sins of Dakshin Express.

If you happen to live in Middlesex County of New Jersey, not to dine at Dakshin Express would be a grave, unpardonable sin that not even a visit to the Bridgewater Balaji temple can absolve.

Your favorite blog SearchIndia.com strongly recommends Dakshin Express, primarily for its Biryani and to a lesser extent for its Mysore Masala Dosa.

Arusuvai Chettinad: Satan’s Minions @ Work

Food, Reviews 11 Responses »

Aug 172011

When clueless bozos stray into the kitchen and headless chicken run helter skelter around the dining room, the ugly epiphany is a hopelessly trashy Indian restaurant called Arusuvai Chettinad in North Brunswick, NJ.

The fitting punishment for such Indian restaurants dumpsters in New Jersey – Adi Seruppale (i.e. remove your old, dirty slippers and fling it at the restaurant).

As even the dumbest of our readers know, Chettinad cuisine owes its great fame and glory to its spicy, flavorful food.

Good Chettinad food can send sharp thrills up your spine and transport you into paroxysms of delight that no Playboy Bunny, Penthouse Pet or Bollywood Item-Girl can ever hope to match.

Arusuvai, alas, is no sex-bomb but a herpes-afflicted whore, a nasty charlatan, whose only vile goal is to dip her pustulating fingers into the wallets of unwitting customers that amble into its premise on RT-130 in North Brunswick.

Arusuvai is the third Chettinad restaurant in New Jersey that deeply disappointed, nay, distressed us. Well, there must be some truth in the old adage that bad things come in threes!

For the quidnuncs among our readers, the other Chettinad disasters were Anjappar and Karaikudi Chettinad.

Arusuvai Chettinad NJ - Horrible Appetizers Horrid Chicken 65, Hard Pakodas

Arusuvai – Screwing Up the Basics

When an Indian restaurant screws up the basics, you can be sure they’ll bugger the rest of the meal as well.

The despicable buffoons at Arusuvai couldn’t get even basic Indian fare like Rasam, Mutton Bone Soup, Idli, Sambar, Chicken 65 and Onion Pakora right and ruined them inedibly, hopelessly.

Were these inedible monstroshitties cooked by humans or wrought by Satan’s vile, gnarled fingers?

Devoid of any evidence of tamarind, Arusuvai’s Rasam tasted like plain hot black pepper powder water.

Mutton Bone Soup was nothing but Satan’s repugnant concoction of dry red chilli powder flung into hot water.

Sambar had no evidence of tamarind or the various spices that lend this South Indian staple its magical flavor. It tasted more like Dal mixed with onion and other vegetables.

A South Indian restaurant that can’t get the commonplace Rasam or Sambar right has no business staying in business. Comprende?

Idli and Onion Pakodas were hard. We felt as if were eating onion muruku and not Onion Pakoda.

We have not the slightest doubt that Arusuvai’s Onion Pakodas are routinely used in New Jersey road construction and projects and reinforce the heavy-water vessels of nuclear power plants. Believe us, Arusuvai Chettinad’s Onion Pakodas were that hard!

Chicken 65, another common fixture at South Indian restaurants these days, was a hard travesty that only Satan’s swinish apprentice manning the stove would send out the kitchen.

Coconut Chutney seemed fresh but, alas, was not in the least spicy.

Relief in this South Indian restaurant came strangely in the form of Samosa Chaat, a North Indian street food. Samosa was cooked well with flavorful potato filling and spicy chickpeas and other dressing. It was yummy and we were pleasantly shocked to get such nice Samosa Chaat in a Chettinad restaurant.

But any ceasefire in the merciless assault on our palate was momentary and the Shaniyans in Arusuvai’s kitchen quickly resumed their fusillade of badly prepared items.

Arusuvai – Awful Vegetable Entrees

Arusuvai Chettinad Ennai Kathrikai - Disgustingly Bad Ennai Kathrikai (bottom) – Disgusting

Ennai Kathrikai, a Chettinad delicacy known to induce orgasm in diners, was a complete letdown because it did not come with spiced tamarind sauce as promised by Arusuvai’s menu.

Immune to our plaintive pleas of mercy, Ennai Kathrikai arrived in a red chilli powder based thin watery gravy. It tasted as if fried medium size pieces of Egg Plant were mindlessly dropped into red chilli powder water as an after thought. The red chilli powder water did not seep into the egg plant at all.

Again, it was beyond disgusting. Well, Satan seldom takes a break from his evil mischief.

Beans Poriyal was awful, devoid as it was of any flavor or seasoning. Arusuvai Chettinad’s Beans Poriyal tasted like Beans boiled with some Moong Dal lentils.

Vegetable Noodles were medium spicy but who gives a rat’s ass. You don’t go to a Chinese restaurant for Idli-Vada-Sambar and, by God, you don’t go to a Chettinad Restaurant for Noodles. Got it, AruShaniyan?

Vegetable Kurma set in a light yellow color watery gravy with a melange of Potato, French Beans and Green Peas was one of the less offensive dishes but we’d definitely prefer the gravy to be thicker.

Dal Curry was nothing but Tadka Dal with Tomato pieces thrown into it. It was ordinary and does not merit any more of your time.

Paratha was rubbery and caused us no end of anguish in eating it with any of the dishes.

Yogurt Rice was flavorful with curry leaves seasoning accompanied by lime pickle.

Arusuvai – Sick Chicken Masala

Arusuvai Chettinad NJ - Bad Egg Masala Egg Masala (top left) – Pathetic

In the annals of human Satanic depravity, surely Arusuvai occupies pride of place for its relentless commitment to culinary carnage on the tender souls of hapless diners like yours truly.

Set in a medium thick brown color gravy, Arusavai’s Egg Masala was not in the least bit flavorful or spicy.

It was like eating plain boiled eggs as the masala had not seeped into them.

Mutton Masala was set in a water gravy and no less than a spice-less perversity.

Arusuvai Chettinad NJ Chicken Masala - Not Spicy Chicken Masala – Disappointing

Chicken Masala turned out to be another big disappointment.

You see just like Mutton Masala, Arusuvai’s Chicken Masala was not in the least spicy. Were any spices added to it at all, we wondered?

Satan was in a frenzy, it seemed to us. Continue reading »

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Cross Culture Haddonfield (NJ) – A Sin Not to Eat Here

Food, Reviews 5 Responses »

May 132011

Cross Culture is an unusual name for an Indian restaurant.

Typically, Indian restaurants in the U.S. have banal names like Delhi Palace, Indian Taj, Taj India, Gandhi, Nirvana, Taj Palace, Akbar, Mirchi or Maharaja.

Imagine our surprise when we heard of Cross Culture Ethnic Indian Cuisine at Haddonfield, New Jersey.

Cross Culture Haddonfield, NJ

Turning on our GPS, we quickly headed to Haddonfield.

Cross Culture – Fine Food

Located at 208 Kings Highway East in Haddonfield, Cross Culture is a spacious, clean restaurant.

Being famished, we let our palate roam across a range of items including Onion Bhujia, Navaratan Korma, Shrimp Curry, Alu Tikki, Lassi, Kheer, Persian Falooda and Gulab Jamun.

For once, our meal was an embarrassment of riches.

Cross Culture Indian Cuisine, Haddonfield, NJ

We started off with a glass of cold Cardamom Lassi. Man, was that divine.

The fresh Onion Bhujia was a treat with the Mint and Tamarind Chutneys.

Navaratan Korma in a creamy medium thick yellow-colored spicy sauce was a delight that seemed to have been prepared with fresh vegetables, not the frozen junk.

Cross Culture Indian Restaurant, Haddonfield, NJ

We swear we glimpsed heaven in Cross Culture’s Shrimp Curry.

In a medium-thick reddish brown sauce, chef Manish Chopra’s Shrimp Curry was a work of art. It came spicy as requested but with other ingredients in proportion.

Onion Kulcha (see above picture) was the pièce de résistance of our meal. Fresh off the oven, with cut pieces of onion, cilantro and green chili it was truly amazing. Strongly recommended.

Yummy Desserts

The medium-thick Rice Kheer was flavorful and creamy. It was polished off in no time.

But the Gulab Jamun seemed to have been nuked in the microwave! One of the few misses in an otherwise delightful meal.

Service @ Cross Culture

Our desi waiter (from Goa) was a little stiff initially but warmed up as the topic turned to cricket. He was sweet enough not to charge us for Garlic Naan.

There was also a minor blip over a LivingSocial coupon but it was quickly resolved.

SearchIndia.com strongly recommends Cross Culture in Haddonfield, NJ. You can be sure it won’t be long before we return to Manish Chopra’s fine Indian restaurant.

Samosa Chaat @ Desi Galaxy – Sheer Bliss

Food, Reviews 4 Responses »

Apr 252011

Ignore the rude service of the monkeys at the Desi Galaxy counter (1700 Sugar Tree Plaza, Oak Tree Road) in Edison, NJ.

Instead, focus your energies on the chaat, Indian street food.

Quick Bite on Oak Tree Road
The other day we were in a rush and wanted to grab a quick bite in Edison, NJ.

So, we headed into the new Desi Galaxy food court adjacent to Hot Breads and close to Apna Bazaar.

No, we did not order Paani Puri. Definitely not.

At first we ordered plain Samosas but upon seeing someone’s colorful plate of Samosa Chaat, we started drooling in a reflex action.

We quickly changed our order to Samosa Chaat.

The girl at the counter asked us, Spicy or Medium?

We meekly responded Medium.

Although, we were told by the girl that it’d take just 2-minutes, it took over 7 minutes for our Samosa Chaat to be ready.

We could see the girl inside chatting instead of chaating our Samosa. Since we were in a big hurry with little time to spare, we felt like throttling her simian neck but contented ourselves with silently abusing her with every known bad word in Hindi.

Finally, the lazy cow waddled back depositing our plate on the counter accompanied by a loud yell, Samosa Chaat. Continue reading »

Volga (Iselin, NJ) Review – Unfit Even for Dogs

Food No Responses »

Mar 012011

Most Indian restaurants in New Jersey are bad.

But some like Volga in the Parkway Plaza on Oak Tree Road in Iselin (NJ) are hopelessly, disgustingly, obscenely bad.

So horribly bad that to even think of the dump gives us the heebie-jeebies.

Volga Iselin (NJ) – Serves Pathetic Indian Food

As we walked into Volga Iselin on a recent afternoon, the restaurant was near empty with just three diners.

We were asked by the short lady at the counter wearing a sullen expression whether we wanted take-out or dine-in. When we responded dine-in and take-out, a tall old man wearing a beret slunk out from the kitchen and told us to sit wherever we pleased.

After we were seated, the old fella brought forth a plastic water jug, plastic glasses and plastic plates and deposited them on our table.

A quick glance at the dirty, soiled menu lying on the counter revealed that Volga offers South Indian, North Indian and Indian-Chinese fare. Aha, the Microsoft of Indian restaurants. All ye technologically savvy folks know where we’re heading, eh?

To get a good feel of the place, we ordered a combination of Indian-Chinese, North Indian and South Indian fare.

Horrid Chilli Garlic Noodles

Our order of Chilli Garlic Noodles ($8.99) came to the table in about eight minutes in a white plastic bowl.

One fork of it and we almost puked. In decades of eating Chilli Garlic Noodles, we’ve never encountered such a pathetic piece of shit. You see, the Chilli Garlic Noodles was dryish, had zero garlic flavor and, worse of all, offensively tasteless. We had a hard time shoveling this crap into our mouth.

With a sigh of resignation, we placed our fork down and waited for the Gobi Paratha to show up. Since we abhor wasting food, we packed up the Chilli Garlic Noodles with plans to add Maggi Sauce and eat it later.

Volga Iselin Chilli Garlic Noodles – An Abomination

Nuked Gobi Paratha

Gobi Paratha ($5.99) came so hot to the table that we could not take a bite for several minutes. Continue reading »

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